dear -------
i miss you. remember when we used to be friends and talk on a daily basis? i felt like i had known you forever since we talked because we talked so much. despite some of the drab things we talked about, i always felt better afterwards.then you just kind of disapeared and i just wonder what i did wrong. i did some things i probably shouldn't have done and i had feelings i didn't want present because it was so much easier to defend and fight them than acknowledge them. truly i've gotten over everything and i still care, a lot. i think about how your doing all the time because i feel in the dark wondering whats bothering you and how your copeing. its really not fun and sometimes i feel like crying because we dont discuss things anymore. i feel like anything i ever say comes out wrong and you take it the wrong way and get mad or feel resentful towards me. i think your such a wonderful person, and it saddens me that i dont know you anymore
dear--------
your gone and away and i miss you everyday., your hugs and your smile and the fact that i could always count on you. you never got mad at me for talking about something too long and you always understood the difficulties of life. you will always be one of my first best friends because you stuck through everything and i cant wait to run into you everywhere when were old. or older and with children. this city has our souls and downtown wont be the same without you and driving around aimlessly wont be as glorious. songs dont sound the same and you've expirienced so much with me that its ridiculous to think you arent doing it right now. i wouldnt be here today without you, you've covered my ass, made sure i was ok when i was drunk and just took such good care of me for all those years and its madly appreciated.
dear------
you really fucked me up. you really did and you made it impossible for me to trust anyone for ages. i loved you so badly and you just either chose to acknowledge it at all the wrong moments or just not at all. you left me in the dark for weeks on end wonderingw what you were doing and how you were doing because i knew you werent doing well. those cryptic emails made me cut myself and made me think i was messing up and losing you and at that point losing you seemed like the worst thing possible to happen to me. the worst was that you just didnt seem to care and all i cared about in the end was getting you back. you knew me so well though that ive finally forgiven you and i hope your doing ok. i hope your doing GOOD actually, and that youve found a happy place to be, and someone to be there with. i get hungry for your hugs and our long talks and id love to know you again someday. the immaturity went too far, honestly, in both of our cases. lets forget and talk again
dear------
your my oldest friend and your on the other side of the world exploring things i cant even dream about. your the only one that has guts and spirit and your better than the rest and smarter than everyone. you will achieve something in life because your a wanderer and you dont rest and you want to expirience it all. dont ever let anyone stop you. i dont understand why you arent with some girl(ahaha)because honestly if you werent my bro, you would be my hoe. your such an awesome and exciting person and you have the most interesting stories and injuries out of everyone i know. i dont even know if i'll ever see you again because the land down far under us IS far and im scared of such a long plane ride. come visit and show me your pictures finally!

being positive is hard
i miss jill, i really do, moreso than i thought i did. coffee dates and blabbering on to her endlessly about boyzzz is amazing, because she is cheer up extreme. we listen to all the old songs and laugh and hug. as much as i love new friends i LOVE LOVE new friends, but old friends, well. jilli has always been there for me and always will, no matter what i end up doing. she is such a pretty bird and i am a big wuss and i love her a lot.i'm closer with other people now, but she is a star, so many comfortable nights, so many YEARS! reminiscent tonite, about everything. where did high school go? i've changed and yet not at all.
positivity. the good things that come along with change, the excitement, the butterflies in my stomach constant. but i look at the future and what i want, and its so simple, and i really want to strive towards goals. eventual goals, but goals. i dont need to map it out step by step, but reach it naturally, like i know i will. its just all eventual and you have to take your time with it all. i want comforts, with people, with my surroundings, with my career, yes i want a career. i dont want too much focus on it, but i want it there. i want a simple life, despite all my dreams of travelling and jetting and supermodeling, parties, runways, art exhibits, photos, writting, i just really want to wake up spooning someone i love and be warm. flying is cold, where is home? i really dont know where i will settle, but settling is going to be there. i want a true life, well rounded in everyway. i want friends, old friends, friends to keep in touch with. i worry about some people, i dont about others, and maybe the ones who i think i will lose touch with i wont. and the ones i think will be around forever wont be. how do you live with that? i want to appreciate everyone fully and expirience everyone to their best and worst. im terribly terribly loyal.anyone could do anything to me, use me, abuse me, and i would still come through for them. its a fault and yet a genuine quality that i think people can appreciate. it gives nothing to me, but yet it does. i've been reflecting on my character a lot lately, moreso than usual. a psychiatrist appointment is needed so i made one today, on my own, without my mum pressuring me into it as usual. i have plans for next year, i'm trying to map it out in my mind, but i need some exterior advice from someone who doesnt know me and yet probably knows me the best. not very many people take the time to get to know me. jill has. thats why those friends are so important because you cant forget about those crucial strange years, those emails that she sent me when she knew i didnt want to talk yet, but just to let me know she was there. i would do anything for her, even if it meant sacrificing my happiness, because i know she would do the same. i could never live with her, but at the same time, i feel like i could handle it. i wont, but i would. i would love a vacation with jill everyear.
i remember the simplicity of her cottage this summer, that weekend was probably the best of summer.. well that and the stones. unfortunetly the one person involved in both is no longer involved, doesnt care, doesnt know, i dont know. and i wish i could talk but im scared to because im scared it might mess it up even more. i need to see people in person, always. msn has been freaking me out lately. phones freak me out. its only in person that you can see that person, and really feel them there,. feel their body heat and know, you just know sometimes.
i wanted so desperatly to leave halifax and now i dont think i ever will. i hope i get out at least to visit the rest of the world, and often enough, but this is home, despite my constant denial of it. i could never leave behind whats here, and how much of my heart wanderes the streets and the parks, the stores, everything. its gotten so big lately to me and i want it to be all mine.
is this feeling just right now? is it just because of whats gone on lately? do i belong here? what about montreal? culture, art, coffee good stores good shoes nice hair? where did that go? i worry about myself and the effect other people have on me. what happens when and if and but?
i dont want to think about those things. i know myself too well. i need france, because i need to prove my independance to myself.i need to prove i can survive without people, all the time. it really has to be done, despite my now reluctance to, and despite my wanting for someone to come with me. i am so frusturated with myself i need to talk this over.
too bad someone already wrote the book on bullshitting. is it bullshit? have i made up this world? and i schizo? soemtiems i think i mgiht be and no one wants to tell me. i dont think i can sleep with these thoughts, tonite.

i will not give this any thought. none, i swear. its dangerous and negative and there will be no more negativity on my part in my interactions with other people. perhaps its the mistake from the past i always made, and perhaps it isnt.
i cant help be curious, thats true. sometimes i wish people had thought bubbles you could read. but would i really want to? sometimes oblivion is a truly natural and wonderful thing. i'm just a fan right now, because arms and legs and wrapped up -ness is a noice noice noice feeling.

im a moron, i dont trust..i feel like im losing.. friends? what am i going to do?
dont let yourself get close because you just get tossed eventually. this is a battle and i dont want to fight, it might be worth it but it isnt right.
i'm not as schoolie as them, i feel left out and i dont have anyone else
recount the stories of paranoia when high around them,lack of love and everything.
ughhhhhhhhh i hate myself for this,.,

when it was good, it was wonderful
uahem. i shouldnt deal with any thoughts on my mind right now. so full of thoughts, so full and i need to be emptied, like the garbage can beside me needs to be emptied pretty badly. smelly, but my thoughts are smelly, unless its old roses? old? new?
i shouldnt have any further comments on this matter.

i havent felt that good and warm in ages.

take it back take it back, quick, call in for a return, its quite the lack.
what have i done? what have i thought? where have i gone? everything is switched on. ........... fuck.

where am i headed? lifes, dreams aspirations? i need to make a list. an ongoing list of things i want to achieve someday, things i would like to see, i would like to do, ect.
-live in france
-own a art gallery
-own a restaurent
-work in a second hand bookstore
-have over 1000 records, cds, tapes
-read Utopia, Thomas More
-design an entire line of clothes
-work for a designer( preferable, Chloe, imitation of christ)
-work for a magazine(preferably nylon)
-live in new york city
-perform on an album
-do art for a living
-learn to sculp
-learn to scuba dive properly (again)
-have a darkroom in my own house
-own horses, live on a farm
-write a book
-get book published
-get poetry published in a book
-currate a gallery
-dj
-take salsa dancing
-go to india for yoga for a couple months
-live in morroco for a year and not do anything
-work in piran, slovenia
-work in a castle in slovakia
-learn how to make lace
-throw a succesful dinner party
-have someone really love me
-buy a broken down house in italy, fix it up beautifully all by myself and sell it
-go to ipanema beach in rio de janeiro
-inspire someone else to create something beautiful
-introduce myself as "mrs"(ie. get married)
-raise a child, whether my own or someone else's
-live in london england
-take photographs for a living, get published in magazines
-learn to drive standard



i can't think of anything else right now. but i want this to be everyrunning. i want to come back here often and add to the list, and maybe cross out. i will beat bright eyes and his nothing getting crossed out.