why am I doing this? I want to see you so badly and yet I want to punish you and make you remember I wont be here and isnt that important to you? isnt that the most important thing to you?
well it isnt and I am now aware of that so I will deal with it. You want to know how? By pushing you away from myself and by leaving. and By spending time with everyone but you. This is childish and I'm crying because I am doing this and I dont care I dont care I dont care I dont care but I dont want to see you because I know that it isnt at the top of your mind so why should it be at mine.

I breath all the time but this time its a bit sharper. its been sharper and has been paining my heart.. I know its only 3 months.. 101 days. A very short little sejour really but I miss everyone and everything already. Everytime that someone mentions tomorows date I feel like my eyes just swell up and I start crying like the little baby I am. Monday is going to be the worst. I feel not at all organized and its driving me insane becuase I've developped complete OCD when it comes to these things.
my emotional heights have been threatened by this trip. my constant state of nerves is driving me wild and the fact that my eye makeup is non existant due to constant tears is not at all pleasing.

My legs get cramped against swings but every bruise is worth it. When else do you forget the rain, the cold, the unhappy, the Paris.
I leave in 11 days and my heart is breaking.
This will not be the same expirience it should have been
I'm utterly terrified about everything and anything. If I fuck it up, I'm royally fucked.
But life is fleeting and the prospect of art history classes and hangingggg with local intellectuals and aritsans is rushing at me.
Its too bad food wont taste as good
I've lost my appetite without you. and even when you are there eating with me, I cant keep track of the food. I keep looking at your face.

I rememeber early in september/october I felt like I was constantly meeting so many people that I didnt have time for my friends.
Its a rotten shame that I dont really have any anymore. I've spent the entire year with elyse who doesn't give a flying fuck about me, jenna who doesn't either, and suddenly there is no one and my life is void of friends....
except people who call me out of politeness to hang out, its a real shame
its nice to see someone who gets excited and hugs you. its nice to see someone that smiles at me and kisses me a lot and cuddles me always.
I still cant stop smiling about it

I cant keep the smile off my face, I rly rly rly can't, no matter how much my fat little cheeks hurt!

early this morning a proposal was made that will hopefully last into the next millenium and beyond that. I want the sky, the trees and the birds, actions speak louder than words
it feels nice to stare at you, I dont feel so ackward and nervous anymore. just soothed, really content, really ok with everything.

at the end of the day, I guess its kind of nice to know that no one will miss you when you're gone, no bad feelings about it. You wont break any hearts and there will be no emotion or crying, its sort of good.
I feel like I have no future, ever. It would be so much easier if I just had heart failure and died.