There are time when I'm inclined to throw myself into vaste fluids of boiling sulpheric water. I cant spell and I cant read, I just make up words and hum as they should be, because I make my own realities instead of following those that are, well real.
When I walk alone I still throw my head back and sometimes I'm inclined to neigh, like childhood games, but this is not childhood and this is not games, this is you walking home alone in Bedford while a street muscian in Paris is playing a tune you can dance to. This is drinking sulpheric.sulferic water.This is days of claiming I missed the fogs, but really who misses pains and headaches and popping pillz.We are all so jaded and in decline here and congratulations are in order to those who escape the neccesity of the fat society. Of north america.
I scratch too much and I sulk despite knowing that I am likely being ridiculous but it feels good to. I twistedly and sickly enjoy it when people dont pay me attention I suppose because I get to sulk and whine whilst doing nothing with my life, nothing at all.
Then it started to rain and instead of feeling blessed( by St.Genevieve and her montaigne in Paris) I felt hurt and sad but like I belonged with it, pouding itself down on the asphalt because this is self torture. I know I can leave.
Masochism for the masses, stay where you are.
And then it started to rain and someone ate my Margot chocolate bar, and my chicken and no one called and no one picked me up.

echoes of pianos drifting in my ears
that are banging at the sound of mozart, bach. I am glad to be here, I am glad I exist in your mind; but do I really and what is this worth to you, what does it mean, does it mean enough, do you even love me?
what does paris mean to me because, theres too many words that come into mind when I think of it, so dear, so kind so vain and so blind to everything else in the world, because fuck, the world leans down to YOU PARIS. you are the brightest, the city of lights, the city of nights, height and good fights.
now fall is coming and Im lonely, no one sees me, no one will, no one will move with me.and is it worth my compromising of my sanity, my intellectual habits, my smoking, my drinking, singing neutral milk hotel?
I have to make this choice that makes me sick and crying because I dont know what I should base it on, my deliverance to other people like I always do( lives of saints) or on my self, my selfish side, the side that battles with me because I breath easier with more pollution? would you do it for me? because if I know you would, if I know your willing to, I;ll go with you, ill stay with you, i will do what you want me to. ill test you out, like I always do and will. I apologize for that today but but but but but
I will clear my throat
I love you but make an effort please.

why am I doing this? I want to see you so badly and yet I want to punish you and make you remember I wont be here and isnt that important to you? isnt that the most important thing to you?
well it isnt and I am now aware of that so I will deal with it. You want to know how? By pushing you away from myself and by leaving. and By spending time with everyone but you. This is childish and I'm crying because I am doing this and I dont care I dont care I dont care I dont care but I dont want to see you because I know that it isnt at the top of your mind so why should it be at mine.

I breath all the time but this time its a bit sharper. its been sharper and has been paining my heart.. I know its only 3 months.. 101 days. A very short little sejour really but I miss everyone and everything already. Everytime that someone mentions tomorows date I feel like my eyes just swell up and I start crying like the little baby I am. Monday is going to be the worst. I feel not at all organized and its driving me insane becuase I've developped complete OCD when it comes to these things.
my emotional heights have been threatened by this trip. my constant state of nerves is driving me wild and the fact that my eye makeup is non existant due to constant tears is not at all pleasing.

My legs get cramped against swings but every bruise is worth it. When else do you forget the rain, the cold, the unhappy, the Paris.
I leave in 11 days and my heart is breaking.
This will not be the same expirience it should have been
I'm utterly terrified about everything and anything. If I fuck it up, I'm royally fucked.
But life is fleeting and the prospect of art history classes and hangingggg with local intellectuals and aritsans is rushing at me.
Its too bad food wont taste as good
I've lost my appetite without you. and even when you are there eating with me, I cant keep track of the food. I keep looking at your face.

I rememeber early in september/october I felt like I was constantly meeting so many people that I didnt have time for my friends.
Its a rotten shame that I dont really have any anymore. I've spent the entire year with elyse who doesn't give a flying fuck about me, jenna who doesn't either, and suddenly there is no one and my life is void of friends....
except people who call me out of politeness to hang out, its a real shame
its nice to see someone who gets excited and hugs you. its nice to see someone that smiles at me and kisses me a lot and cuddles me always.
I still cant stop smiling about it

I cant keep the smile off my face, I rly rly rly can't, no matter how much my fat little cheeks hurt!