I get jealous, I am jealous, Im a jealous angry girl. Ive really begun to resent you, I've really come to just not understanding how you do all of this.
it doesnt matter
I've got lust on my side, mostly lust after being in paris and just partying all the damn fucking time. i want to see piles of happiness on tables waiting to be taken, i just want to move around and feel a bass, not feel my heart, but feel body heat.

I hereby will not break my solemn vows to
-keep a straight face when neccessary
-do all my schoolwork. do it well. do it with my entire heart and brain in it.
-watch more french television
-smoke less and smoke more
-smile at people more often, mostly strangers. mostly people who will not strike up a conversation with me
- move to europe again for the summer. what is here? no one and nothing.
-keep my thoughts to myself, keep my heart for myself
-dont do drugs?

i cant think of anything else. I could hardly think to begin with. Everything lately has seemed like such a waste. Im wasting my life. I want to get to the point where I can honestly say "yeah im over that phase now" and I want it soon. I want nothign beautiful to escape my clutches and I want to keep meeting people who provoke positive energy from me.

remember where we used to lay?
under seascaped grass we played
rolling and roaring, touching alas
we found each others lips through moments passed
and i couldnt believe what i could feel
moments of rush running freeing me
like i could never be
alone again
then i found myself undiscovered when i thought it would be over
when i thought it would be forever but alas
we found time had passed and shadows neared
never had they completly disapeared
we never knew what we would find again
the lies and tangles webs of misery
i wrote all those stories
inside my diary
alas alas time is gone
and now all ive got left is one silly song
to sing
now i find myself
missing the undead,
remember where we used to lay?
now we've all been lead astray,
different branches, new romances.
our story is an old fairy tale.
i wrote all those stories
inside my diary
alas alas time is gone
and now all ive got left is one silly song
to sing

I've stopped listening to songs that remind me of him. With every word and every glance, I'm starting to forget why I loved him in the first place. The after hurricane is when you realize what was worth it and what wasnt.. and how much a person really cares.
Now I listen to love songs and fantasize about new seasons, and new smiles, and new things and people that make me smile. I'm glad for the time alone im getting because Im having so much fun so often!! new shit to talk about!! STAYING POSITIVE!!

that sigur ros song that gave me so much overwhelming uplifting feeling last year also gives me hope for the future.
Its easy to be happy, with you or without you. I hear too many songs that make me feel kind of craazy because people are putting words in my mouth and lifting them into my ears.

Oh simple girl
Oh foolish man
Trying to bend these lovers rules
Into a simple plan

Oh aching bones on sleepless bed
They toss and turn and roll away
From words unsaid

It's just that all that you were
Was all I could want
Now I can't trust your lover's tongue
Except to tease and taunt

It's been said best by you
Been said best before
But I just want to let you know
I don't love you anymore

Sad wakes alone
Cradling the phone
Knows that sullen silence
Is the meanest way to moan
But all that you were
Was all that I had
And we could not find a simple way
To work that simple plan

Oh aching bones
Oh sleepless bed
Toss, turn and roll
Away from words unsaid
It's been said best by you
Been said best before

But I just want to let you know I don't
Love you anymore

I just want to let you know
I don't love you anymore

I dont have the patience for online shopping, because one of my senses is hardly being indulged, plus my visa doesnt get any swipe marks.
I've just been reading deeply and madly and passionatly. I'm reading a rather tasty Vampire novel that I've been changing up with porn reviews, and then HARRY POTTER, which I read in 4 hours. I cried. a lot. But I feel completly fulfilled and satisfied, but I wont ruin it for anyone.
I decided that next summer I will move to Vienna to take some german classes at a university there. what could be better than Vienna? Its so close to France!!
This week overall was quite satisfying. Every week gets better. My substance abuse needs to step up, I tend to forget because of it, and thats pure and sheer joy.