why am I doing this? I want to see you so badly and yet I want to punish you and make you remember I wont be here and isnt that important to you? isnt that the most important thing to you?
well it isnt and I am now aware of that so I will deal with it. You want to know how? By pushing you away from myself and by leaving. and By spending time with everyone but you. This is childish and I'm crying because I am doing this and I dont care I dont care I dont care I dont care but I dont want to see you because I know that it isnt at the top of your mind so why should it be at mine.

I breath all the time but this time its a bit sharper. its been sharper and has been paining my heart.. I know its only 3 months.. 101 days. A very short little sejour really but I miss everyone and everything already. Everytime that someone mentions tomorows date I feel like my eyes just swell up and I start crying like the little baby I am. Monday is going to be the worst. I feel not at all organized and its driving me insane becuase I've developped complete OCD when it comes to these things.
my emotional heights have been threatened by this trip. my constant state of nerves is driving me wild and the fact that my eye makeup is non existant due to constant tears is not at all pleasing.