merde, elle a encore perdu la control

sometmes we know what is best for those wrinkles we find
catching a glimpse in the mirror at night,
oh I wont lie I stare at my reflection
in a pool reflecting the moonlight
too bright
and I hide my eyes in this soiled disguise
too long coming down the road so curved because i hide behind a soiled disguise
of bangs and bitches and tainted red brew
this you will never know n the truth
i keep quiet awake when I lay at night thinking as my teeth chatter
incessantly i imortalize what i do with myself
when i run across the winters planks
and slip and my eyes bleed
not more than my nose
but enoguh that i am blind to the snow
and my head is everywhere
so are my guts splitl along my ankles, or cankles instead
and my teeth are rotten all over again.

like a dirty french novel the absurd courts the vulgar.

sometimes i would led to be left to my misery and stirring my dark deep cauldron of thoughts alone. sometimes I feel like my destiny is written down in a permenant invisible ink, known to only the secrets that lie in history. i feel like history is my mirror and i am constantly obsessing over it in hopes of discovering more of my self. fata morgana was a fairy queen, also known as Morgaine and Morgan Le Fay. it is also the slovak word for mirage.
this is of interest.

we get in vice at the store and oftentime I just hope that we keep getting it in, just for the amount of beautiful boys that come i looking for it.
a friend of mine told me that a boy in town has a crush on me. of course ths got me searching. oftentimes i feel like a fourteen year old girl who is just desperate for attention. I know this is true and this almost hurts my feelings, despite my knowledge that it is nothing but my own fault. i think m biggest fault is that I know all my worst faults yet i selfishly refuse to change them or even adhere to making things a little easier for the people around me. i am just a lucky girl, I feel like sometimes I just want to light eveerythng on fire around me just because it makes me easier to feel unhappy. then I can place the blame in some place.
i wanted to be single this year and i feel like i am refusing to make any allowances because i think i can do better. there, its been said. I wish i didnt think it but i really do.
putain de merde

as far as I am concerned I could lay in bed naked for hours
and have you rub my arms and back
and kiss me every single time you think about it, which i know you do, you plan things, same as I except I never planned anything with you

i lust for summertime wind when i could feel warm without the company of some but I suppose thats why this will end once the seasons change
i cant run away from france, that I love because of individuals anymore, but run to france because of individualism and how obsessed i am with it.

i cant do this much longer. i frequently wonder what i think and i need silence for at least a few days, silence frm everyone and everything so i can write and retaliate and think about how i feel, how i felt about last year.
ive got a strange attitude lately and i feel like i am holding myself up like a marionette.. im not happy but im not sad.

I miss a lot of,, happenstance and magic and success and the feeling of tender emotion and true trust, true love, being true and not just wanting to run away from the entire world. it wasnt always like that but often times it was.