I cant-wont- do this
i cant-wont keep it off my mind out of my brain in my teeth, i'll go insane
insane insane insane insane insane
why did I come back to be subjected to this feeling again, of not knowing, of confusion, of uncertainty of bullshit of lies evil hopes bad feeling stuttering words not answering me not answering me not answering me
this is over
c'est la fin et c'est presque pas meme commence, mais vraiment, putain, c'est un peu chiant.

I've invited myself into the real word
I can touch my roots better than most trees can feel them
and for once I do, I do before you
because the christmas trees make everything sparkle
because my eyes are muddled from the tears
because I dig you, my cousin.
Never again will I feel landlocked and friendless
guiltess though I can forsee
I'll observe like the stranger I am
to my motherland of hopes and high moutaines valleys and everything
that is beautiful to me
maybe I'll dig as far as the eye can see
and resurect like Jesus among the sunflower seeds
that have long been sown, early summer
early morn

what is coming this
the only thing surfacing from my body
is tears all the time and I'm drowning in the salt
in my dreams
of all those teens

I have created a fantasy that exceeds the seperation of emotion and real life- I need to start relying on real life.

This is the enchanting side of my life, the perspective is all distorted and all is through the polaroid fuzzy feeling in my stomach like good grandmothers canned peaches in the summer and lots of colour Lomo style picture. That I paint inside my head- but I never want to lose you because all the time I'm around you I cant not be with you. You heighten every sensibility and yet I feel fuzzier, flimsier. Mind bending and sometimes withdrawing, I know, I live in distant lands but I would not fly back with the wild geese, my time has not come.
My time right now is warm and tangled up in the tangible universe, where I can sense and feel everything because usually I cant.
I cant and I wont and I refuse
you are sunlight on my skin.

I suppose I just want to make something of my life and your extraordinairy asshole glances aren't getting my anywhere but speeding tickets.EXTRAORDINAIRY I REALLY LOVE THAT WORD. ITS SUPREME, ITS INTELLIGENT ITS INSURPASABLE BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I WANT TO BE.
CAPITALS ARE FUCKING NECCESSARY AND IM NOT CALLING YOU AND ON ONE SIDE IM REALLY HOPEING YOU NEVER CALL ME AGAIN, THAT I JUST DONT HEAR FROM YOU.
its not like either of us havent pulled that stunt before.

open eyes open aisles
music drifting making smiles
into coldness into depth
no more windows lack of beds
pick up cheeses plenty mold
notice signs of french soldes
pick up more pick up more
I'm no rich lady in a store
pick up cereals pick up books
ignore old ladies dirty looks
shuffle past the preserves
shopping for some decent food
to last few days
mint ice cream
on the warmest days pick up ice tea
stay a while smile at me
ask for papers ask for books
ask for a smile a nicer look
ask for baguettes ask for tradition
ask for millefeuilles fraiser
ice cream flavours do entice flower scoops
eating ice
last days of Paris being poor
no point ever entering the store

This is my skinny in good light. This is me with my shoulder bones sticking out and my shoulder popping up. SKINNY SKINNY.
everything depends on how I perceive myself, how others perceive me because my perception of the world is moreso through a fishtail lense, a colour flash, I dont see it the way others do.
I can't forget being at the port de clignancourt flea market and feeling small next to the antique furniture, next to the louis XIV style furniture.
I'm another girl that has a boyfriend and leads a boring life, truly its not my sort of style, not what I dig. I dig freedom and meeting new people, consistantly who influence me who make me want to push myself to greater things. Its a rotten shame that I cant achieve like my friends do, things like being teachers, students, psychologists, lawyers. they will all have stable nice lives that they love, surrounded by people they love and I will drift along alone, smiling, painting writting, printing pictures of the situations I was in because I'll never remember all of them. I wont remember most of them, buit some of my past wanting to achieve achievements i have achieved so I suppoise the rest of them will follow suite. Whats more important, love? lust? And its funny because they are in opposit places in my brain- I love paris. I love Paddy. I lust after Paris.Paris is both, it is the world where I want to drift and meet and shake around. Maybe IO'm wrong and this everlasting feeling of being bigger and better than north america( the irony almost makes my eyes water, but I dont even think New York is snobby enoguh for me, not elite enough because anyone can be anyone there, not like Paris)
But I have a feeling that I am right, not in a snobby way but because I've seen it and most of them havent.
I talk too seldome and at the same time too much and my thoughts are jumbled with my emotions and they have to be kept seperate in order to make worthy descisions.
because I cant go with my heart, its ripped in two