There are time when I'm inclined to throw myself into vaste fluids of boiling sulpheric water. I cant spell and I cant read, I just make up words and hum as they should be, because I make my own realities instead of following those that are, well real.
When I walk alone I still throw my head back and sometimes I'm inclined to neigh, like childhood games, but this is not childhood and this is not games, this is you walking home alone in Bedford while a street muscian in Paris is playing a tune you can dance to. This is drinking sulpheric.sulferic water.This is days of claiming I missed the fogs, but really who misses pains and headaches and popping pillz.We are all so jaded and in decline here and congratulations are in order to those who escape the neccesity of the fat society. Of north america.
I scratch too much and I sulk despite knowing that I am likely being ridiculous but it feels good to. I twistedly and sickly enjoy it when people dont pay me attention I suppose because I get to sulk and whine whilst doing nothing with my life, nothing at all.
Then it started to rain and instead of feeling blessed( by St.Genevieve and her montaigne in Paris) I felt hurt and sad but like I belonged with it, pouding itself down on the asphalt because this is self torture. I know I can leave.
Masochism for the masses, stay where you are.
And then it started to rain and someone ate my Margot chocolate bar, and my chicken and no one called and no one picked me up.

echoes of pianos drifting in my ears
that are banging at the sound of mozart, bach. I am glad to be here, I am glad I exist in your mind; but do I really and what is this worth to you, what does it mean, does it mean enough, do you even love me?
what does paris mean to me because, theres too many words that come into mind when I think of it, so dear, so kind so vain and so blind to everything else in the world, because fuck, the world leans down to YOU PARIS. you are the brightest, the city of lights, the city of nights, height and good fights.
now fall is coming and Im lonely, no one sees me, no one will, no one will move with me.and is it worth my compromising of my sanity, my intellectual habits, my smoking, my drinking, singing neutral milk hotel?
I have to make this choice that makes me sick and crying because I dont know what I should base it on, my deliverance to other people like I always do( lives of saints) or on my self, my selfish side, the side that battles with me because I breath easier with more pollution? would you do it for me? because if I know you would, if I know your willing to, I;ll go with you, ill stay with you, i will do what you want me to. ill test you out, like I always do and will. I apologize for that today but but but but but
I will clear my throat
I love you but make an effort please.