im a moron, i dont trust..i feel like im losing.. friends? what am i going to do?
dont let yourself get close because you just get tossed eventually. this is a battle and i dont want to fight, it might be worth it but it isnt right.
i'm not as schoolie as them, i feel left out and i dont have anyone else
recount the stories of paranoia when high around them,lack of love and everything.
ughhhhhhhhh i hate myself for this,.,

when it was good, it was wonderful
uahem. i shouldnt deal with any thoughts on my mind right now. so full of thoughts, so full and i need to be emptied, like the garbage can beside me needs to be emptied pretty badly. smelly, but my thoughts are smelly, unless its old roses? old? new?
i shouldnt have any further comments on this matter.

i havent felt that good and warm in ages.

take it back take it back, quick, call in for a return, its quite the lack.
what have i done? what have i thought? where have i gone? everything is switched on. ........... fuck.

where am i headed? lifes, dreams aspirations? i need to make a list. an ongoing list of things i want to achieve someday, things i would like to see, i would like to do, ect.
-live in france
-own a art gallery
-own a restaurent
-work in a second hand bookstore
-have over 1000 records, cds, tapes
-read Utopia, Thomas More
-design an entire line of clothes
-work for a designer( preferable, Chloe, imitation of christ)
-work for a magazine(preferably nylon)
-live in new york city
-perform on an album
-do art for a living
-learn to sculp
-learn to scuba dive properly (again)
-have a darkroom in my own house
-own horses, live on a farm
-write a book
-get book published
-get poetry published in a book
-currate a gallery
-dj
-take salsa dancing
-go to india for yoga for a couple months
-live in morroco for a year and not do anything
-work in piran, slovenia
-work in a castle in slovakia
-learn how to make lace
-throw a succesful dinner party
-have someone really love me
-buy a broken down house in italy, fix it up beautifully all by myself and sell it
-go to ipanema beach in rio de janeiro
-inspire someone else to create something beautiful
-introduce myself as "mrs"(ie. get married)
-raise a child, whether my own or someone else's
-live in london england
-take photographs for a living, get published in magazines
-learn to drive standard



i can't think of anything else right now. but i want this to be everyrunning. i want to come back here often and add to the list, and maybe cross out. i will beat bright eyes and his nothing getting crossed out.

sick sick. i can't get over it, stop thinking about it, let it lay low in the back of my mind, because its festering. its a festering wound already. sometimes, (lie, most of the time) i wish i was someone else, somewhere else. i wish i was happy, i wish i wasnt so neutral, always shifted into neutral. then i go one step forward and 2 steps back.
i wont be loved, this is all unhawly.
i love the velvet underground. it reminds me of so much, so much of ME. of no one else but ME. this is something that i am selfish about, because when i think of myself, i think of that band, white light white heat. i am THEM, they are ME. FUCK YOU if you think im a moron, but everything reminds me of someone else except them. lou reed is mine, mine mine mine mine. those songs are mine, they are 9th 10th 11th 12th grade. they came before the boys did, they will stay longer than the boys did.
i'm fucking glad that banana is on my ass, fucking glad. no one can take this from me. i refuse to share it with anyone ever. i will NOT lose the velvet underground like i lost so many bands before. and even though i rarely listen to them nowdays because of so much other music, but whenever i do, it sounds as good as the first time.
MINE.

CONCENTRATE ON THE DREAM NATALIA
chloe sevigny, art galleries, new york london paris madrid prague morroco
parties, boys, cigarrettes, liquor liquor liquor better than ever
dont you dare even think never.
FUCK MANG. i cant get attached to anything right now, or i'll never leave, never disapear.

crazy?
crazy? yes maby
how can i do this?
i said i wouldnt. i said i wouldnt go through this again, in my brain i said it to myself, several times over and over again.
WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING AND THINKING AND MOTIONING TO??
hurt, pain, no anesthesia, i am following in footsteps i already stepped in.
i need a good slap, that i already got an ignored.

everyone perceives everyone differently, which is hopefuly and optimistic that maybe one day someone will find the whole of me beautiful, every inch of my body and soul and mind, and they will think of it all as one, not seperate entities, not forms of beautiful creation, but a complete oneness that is me and only me none alike or akin.
maybe we'll get married or maybe things won't work out, but i would like to meet someone one day who sees me like that, differently from everyone else but far above everything else they have ever seen.

"Rose hip November - autumn I’ll remember
Gold landing at our door, catch one leaf and fortune will surround you evermore
Pine tree very tall, waiting for snow to fall
Mist hangs very still, caught by dawn in castle moats around the sleeping hill
Now a pipe is heard happy is the shepherd
shepherdess and dog, father of the pastureland and mother of the flock
Rosehip November - autumn I’ll rememberGold landing at our door, catch one Leif and fortune will surround you
Evermore
evermore
evermore"

its wierd what is reminded, and what if founded in thoughts that come uniquely at nightime, late and strong and feeling long in the face its a true disgrace
can you regret what never was can you regret feelings changed can you regret that face so strange?

i'd like to see those bruises on my hips
again
from the time
we grinded
and kissed.
lovely brown yellow blue
eyes so bright i cant see your face when i kiss you
open eyed wonder smiled
in a desert far away forest of green lush grass surrounded skirt up
up away
down on my hips
dont you dare stray.