For all that we destroyed together
for each breath
THAT SINGLE ONE THAT
 I couldnt catch
you caught me
in the midst of a murder plot
I would like to murder someone,
feel life kicking out form underneath
thrown into hell by life's horse
but could it be any worse than not knowing you
one day?
If I could stretch my limbs
without climbing on a medieval rack
I would reach you
happily
and this nightmare would cease
my breath would stop
and we would live in death and beyond.

The thought
and thoughts of it all
gives me slivers
of shivers
and I cock my head towards you waiting for you
to make the next move
on our giant lifelife chessboard
when you call me your
"childlike empress"
and I know that we are
the neverending story
my charming Balthazar Bux

i fall in in love with those who love me back. it has always been this way. When my eyes dart from under my lashes and my cheeks get red its because of the way you look at me, no matter how much I beat my mind up over it.
There are so many parts of me that truly believe in the stories that I create in my mind. I just want some belief, some answers, some finger pointing about the direction I should take in life. I want someone to shake my skinny breakable wrists, and break my heart but finally, tell me, what I should be "when I grow up"
Life is too complicated and sometimes I feel like the way I'm living it is akin to a Kamikaze pilot.

there are so many parts of me that are grateful for having known you and so many parts of me that wish I could dedicate more of my patience in your direction so that we could still exist together.
then there is me flying away (as usual) because I got frightened and unhappy
because I had a small bout of maudlin, of wanting to see what I can do with myself elsewhere

I dont really know where to go anymore. I leave in 20 days to go to Slovakia and who knows from there and to where.