i fall in in love with those who love me back. it has always been this way. When my eyes dart from under my lashes and my cheeks get red its because of the way you look at me, no matter how much I beat my mind up over it.
There are so many parts of me that truly believe in the stories that I create in my mind. I just want some belief, some answers, some finger pointing about the direction I should take in life. I want someone to shake my skinny breakable wrists, and break my heart but finally, tell me, what I should be "when I grow up"
Life is too complicated and sometimes I feel like the way I'm living it is akin to a Kamikaze pilot.
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ReplyDeletesmile* think we are all the same, this is the second invisible world beneath the first one visible... there is no other time in this second world except the time of passion, and all happing there is instantly written down in a big book or record, and we can afterwards read that record, not in the terms of time, but in the terms of space: we can take a walk among our feelings like visiting a landscape or looking at paintings in a museum, we can go forward and backward and sideways in time. Things are keeping absolutely silent, and then, in some lucky moments, we can even change a decisive detail with a furtive brushstroke, while nobody is looking. But our aim is not to find love, our aim is to find new love beyond love, exactly like this is happening in Kafka's ,Castle' which actually is a treatise on the Anatomy of Love-Expectation.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was a child my favourite image was that of the 3 prophecies weaving our lives form greek mythology.
ReplyDeleteI think this is all why I write and why I cant stop writing ( no matter how many times I've tried)
its the only way to repair that nostalgia for the past and oddly enough even for the future. Sometimes I feel homesick for things that have happened and sometimes I day dream so much about the future I forget I am living it!
why stop writing? Writing is the best thing we can do.
ReplyDeleteI am just writing my text about memory and i am quickly advancing in my corrections. But as i ask for a ,,perfect'' text, i feel a deep shame for every one of my words. So correcting will be actually a sort of alienation of my words, writing even one page may take months. Anyhow, i only can do this in German... arrghh, so you can't read it, but anyway i think it would have been too technical for you, even i feel it a bit in this way. On the other hand, essay-like texts of a certain length (ca 120 p.) presuppose a structure or you get lost.
Smile: the conclusion of my new text is that there is no present in time, only future or past. All the rest is but a hoax. Or a question we ask: life is the question, and death is the answer, declining the existence of a present time. But i formulate it in a much more lyrical way.