well, really i'm a bad person because i'm jealous of everyone else's christmas's and birthdays. i'm a terrible person because my parents gave up so much for me.
not that it wasnt their fault, i was a mistake. a complete error on the parr of the state of communism and lack of errr birth control in slovakia, and eastern europe in general.
i can't help but feel the jealousy of seeing other people's lists of gifts. and the fact that they all get money and stuff from their relatives. jealoussss
it makes me want to go to slovakia, so i can whore more stuff. plus a christmas with everyone, seeing everyone, i suppose it would be kind of nice

there is two parts to me. the part where i can see myself alone in france. sitting in cafes, buying clothes, eating good food, meeting new people, going to clubs, hiking, being at the louvre. the part that is running around in scotland, hitchhiking. the part that is sitting on a train in switzerland taking pictures of cows and goats with bells under their chin. the part that craves bratislava and walking aorund feeling stylish. the part the london calls my heart where oxford street walks to my beat, top shop, busy bustling, the part where the train only pauses, never stops. i am a traveller and i always want more. i always crave the new, i always call another place home. the part that walks through graveyards and gets butterflies in my stomach when i just think of it. pannini in florence, santa maria novella, art galleries, good coffee, amazing ice cream, stockings, pupa in drug stores. the part that craves those new people, that expirience, those photographs.
then theres the part of me that is settling here slowly. sitting and waiting for a house in town, with white sheets, modern furniture, nscad art on my walls, my art on my walls, running into people, biscuit, italian market lunches, the commons, swinging late at night, being easy, smoking weed, drinking wine, feeling love, being cuddled, seeing movies, going to shows. people i know working everywhere, coming everywhere, never being alone when i;m in town, going into town alone and ending up at fair trade coffee shops drinking tea. dances, dancing, feeling comfort in knowing where im going, memorizing bus scheduals, falling asleep on the bus. there is a life here that i have that is so completly different from what i used to want, but for some reason ive grown to love it and crave it. its not just because of him this is me, it has to do with friends too.
maybe i need this. well, i definetly do need this. i;m worried about coming back, whenver i come back from europe, everything is upside down, i have no friends and ym life sucks. in the end it was worth it to lose those friends, but im tired of stripping down. i want to be settled with the people who i know i love now, at this point in my life for the rest of my life. i want them to always be there for me and around me surrounding me.
whats the worth.

frankly i'm terrified of being there alone. i'm terrified of coming back and having absolutly no one and all my plans being ruined, and having no next year cozy house with friends and good food and many blankets. if this relationships lasts that long i am terrified of coming back and being alone, not being cuddled and kissed and hugged.
this is my immidiate life. could france be my future? would it be good? it's really only 3 months, which is a short amount of time.

why am i doing this, this thing, why do i speak?
because maybe its all worth it. worth the unsatisfaction, the nights alone, the cold, the snot filled noses, the long bus rides, lack of intelligence, the drunk, the messy hair, the greasy face
its all worth it sometimes. in a strange way it feels like its going right because its growing and not just a huge overload on me. this is what i wanted. i just want a little more stability, a little more vision, a little more touching, a little bareness and not just the naked body kind. i want more talks, more missing, more kissing, wishing. i want trips

i think i need a trip out. right now i vow to organize this france thing before december 31st. i will apply, i will leave, i will prove to myself i can live independantly and i will come back, things wont be the same. and i wont freak out and regret it, instead i will savour the expirience and love the summer here.

hot cold hot cold
ive got sniffles i'm feelin old
dare you try me, dare you fold
game of poker, you aint got hold

im swaying back and forth. things arent clear. i swoon and i woo and then i crash and i fall and bruises hurt.
everything is complicated when it seems so damn simple.

i cant believe i spent half my night raving about awesome shit when in all honesty, i knew it was bound to be thrown back. i also sent a huge load of bad karma my way. no one deserves to be talked about like that behind their back. no matter who they are or what they have done. its absolute sillyness and stupidity and immaturity on my part.
i wont anymore.

i make too many 11:11 wishes. i ran out of them a couple years back, back when things where still going by my wishes.

i dont think a relationship was a good idea. nope, too many worries questions answeres little talking little vision completly blind deaf and dumb to everything.
it just makes me sad as usual. i wish i wasnt so filled with sadness and negative emotion, i need someone to love me. and i mean reaally love me. i want someone to care about me, not just date me, see me, makeout with me. i want them to mean it. him. him really. and i just doubt and trust and give nothing bad but bad energy. i dont deserve a relationship really but here i am in one, apparently, and can i even handle the negative?
this is what i got myself into and i dont even want to pull myself out of it. no one deserves my bad emotions and my constant untrusting wierd state of mind. and for that i will be posi, posi as possible. i will smile, not crym unless im in my bathtub by myself. for that i will change, its worth it to me.

silent screams
wed me
i will be perfection and distinction
that thrill is not gone will it be gone
i will bake perfect pastry and walk naked round apple trees

i have a boyfriend?
really?
is it really true though? or is it just one of those dreams, the things i make up?
maybe its just schizophrenia talking, maybe i made it up in my mind. maybe i've been drunk too much and its had an effect of my perception of what people say and what things look like.
gosh darn it though, if its really true, its really cute. :)

i have to compose my thoughts. reason for failed orals? non composes thoughts. my thoughts are scattered everywhere and anywhere and they have no collective mentality. well, the root of the word mentality is mental, and yeah they are mental enough.
i've just gone completly crazy. i am unhappy and i wont be happy, i wont be happied no matter how much love i feel, because at the same time i feel none at all. not even from my friends today.
i need left, out field, gone away, across the ocean, sit down lay, on the beach, blue green water, rock abounce on my hips, bruises everywhere.
i am in a mood. a mood which i acknowledge. i hate these moods, i wish i could just be ok with everything always. and its not even something concret, or i dont think it is I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT MY OWN MOODS ARE FOR.
what is wrong with me seriously, what is wrong with me. what am i doing, why am i sleeping here, why is the sky so black and the wind so cold and why do i rush rush think think rush rush work work rush rush and no sleep. my eyes hurt and i know they need to cry but i have nothing to cry about. i feel so dryyyyyyyyyyyyy dried out, desert landscape.

on one hand i wonder whats going on
and on one hand, i think about how simple it is and wonder how i could possibly want more, more complications, more thoughts.
love-->building on fire.
WHAT AM I WANTING THINKING DOING SAYING SPEAKING ACTING ACKNOWLEDGING
why do i cry into my bathtub.why do i write? because i cant speak. and when i cant write? i retreat.

on one hand i wonder whats going on
and on one hand, i think about how simple it is and wonder how i could possibly want more, more complications, more thoughts.
love-->building on fire.
WHAT AM I WANTING THINKING DOING SAYING SPEAKING ACTING ACKNOWLEDGING
why do i cry into my bathtub.why do i write? because i cant speak. and when i cant write? i retreat.

dear -------
i miss you. remember when we used to be friends and talk on a daily basis? i felt like i had known you forever since we talked because we talked so much. despite some of the drab things we talked about, i always felt better afterwards.then you just kind of disapeared and i just wonder what i did wrong. i did some things i probably shouldn't have done and i had feelings i didn't want present because it was so much easier to defend and fight them than acknowledge them. truly i've gotten over everything and i still care, a lot. i think about how your doing all the time because i feel in the dark wondering whats bothering you and how your copeing. its really not fun and sometimes i feel like crying because we dont discuss things anymore. i feel like anything i ever say comes out wrong and you take it the wrong way and get mad or feel resentful towards me. i think your such a wonderful person, and it saddens me that i dont know you anymore
dear--------
your gone and away and i miss you everyday., your hugs and your smile and the fact that i could always count on you. you never got mad at me for talking about something too long and you always understood the difficulties of life. you will always be one of my first best friends because you stuck through everything and i cant wait to run into you everywhere when were old. or older and with children. this city has our souls and downtown wont be the same without you and driving around aimlessly wont be as glorious. songs dont sound the same and you've expirienced so much with me that its ridiculous to think you arent doing it right now. i wouldnt be here today without you, you've covered my ass, made sure i was ok when i was drunk and just took such good care of me for all those years and its madly appreciated.
dear------
you really fucked me up. you really did and you made it impossible for me to trust anyone for ages. i loved you so badly and you just either chose to acknowledge it at all the wrong moments or just not at all. you left me in the dark for weeks on end wonderingw what you were doing and how you were doing because i knew you werent doing well. those cryptic emails made me cut myself and made me think i was messing up and losing you and at that point losing you seemed like the worst thing possible to happen to me. the worst was that you just didnt seem to care and all i cared about in the end was getting you back. you knew me so well though that ive finally forgiven you and i hope your doing ok. i hope your doing GOOD actually, and that youve found a happy place to be, and someone to be there with. i get hungry for your hugs and our long talks and id love to know you again someday. the immaturity went too far, honestly, in both of our cases. lets forget and talk again
dear------
your my oldest friend and your on the other side of the world exploring things i cant even dream about. your the only one that has guts and spirit and your better than the rest and smarter than everyone. you will achieve something in life because your a wanderer and you dont rest and you want to expirience it all. dont ever let anyone stop you. i dont understand why you arent with some girl(ahaha)because honestly if you werent my bro, you would be my hoe. your such an awesome and exciting person and you have the most interesting stories and injuries out of everyone i know. i dont even know if i'll ever see you again because the land down far under us IS far and im scared of such a long plane ride. come visit and show me your pictures finally!

being positive is hard
i miss jill, i really do, moreso than i thought i did. coffee dates and blabbering on to her endlessly about boyzzz is amazing, because she is cheer up extreme. we listen to all the old songs and laugh and hug. as much as i love new friends i LOVE LOVE new friends, but old friends, well. jilli has always been there for me and always will, no matter what i end up doing. she is such a pretty bird and i am a big wuss and i love her a lot.i'm closer with other people now, but she is a star, so many comfortable nights, so many YEARS! reminiscent tonite, about everything. where did high school go? i've changed and yet not at all.
positivity. the good things that come along with change, the excitement, the butterflies in my stomach constant. but i look at the future and what i want, and its so simple, and i really want to strive towards goals. eventual goals, but goals. i dont need to map it out step by step, but reach it naturally, like i know i will. its just all eventual and you have to take your time with it all. i want comforts, with people, with my surroundings, with my career, yes i want a career. i dont want too much focus on it, but i want it there. i want a simple life, despite all my dreams of travelling and jetting and supermodeling, parties, runways, art exhibits, photos, writting, i just really want to wake up spooning someone i love and be warm. flying is cold, where is home? i really dont know where i will settle, but settling is going to be there. i want a true life, well rounded in everyway. i want friends, old friends, friends to keep in touch with. i worry about some people, i dont about others, and maybe the ones who i think i will lose touch with i wont. and the ones i think will be around forever wont be. how do you live with that? i want to appreciate everyone fully and expirience everyone to their best and worst. im terribly terribly loyal.anyone could do anything to me, use me, abuse me, and i would still come through for them. its a fault and yet a genuine quality that i think people can appreciate. it gives nothing to me, but yet it does. i've been reflecting on my character a lot lately, moreso than usual. a psychiatrist appointment is needed so i made one today, on my own, without my mum pressuring me into it as usual. i have plans for next year, i'm trying to map it out in my mind, but i need some exterior advice from someone who doesnt know me and yet probably knows me the best. not very many people take the time to get to know me. jill has. thats why those friends are so important because you cant forget about those crucial strange years, those emails that she sent me when she knew i didnt want to talk yet, but just to let me know she was there. i would do anything for her, even if it meant sacrificing my happiness, because i know she would do the same. i could never live with her, but at the same time, i feel like i could handle it. i wont, but i would. i would love a vacation with jill everyear.
i remember the simplicity of her cottage this summer, that weekend was probably the best of summer.. well that and the stones. unfortunetly the one person involved in both is no longer involved, doesnt care, doesnt know, i dont know. and i wish i could talk but im scared to because im scared it might mess it up even more. i need to see people in person, always. msn has been freaking me out lately. phones freak me out. its only in person that you can see that person, and really feel them there,. feel their body heat and know, you just know sometimes.
i wanted so desperatly to leave halifax and now i dont think i ever will. i hope i get out at least to visit the rest of the world, and often enough, but this is home, despite my constant denial of it. i could never leave behind whats here, and how much of my heart wanderes the streets and the parks, the stores, everything. its gotten so big lately to me and i want it to be all mine.
is this feeling just right now? is it just because of whats gone on lately? do i belong here? what about montreal? culture, art, coffee good stores good shoes nice hair? where did that go? i worry about myself and the effect other people have on me. what happens when and if and but?
i dont want to think about those things. i know myself too well. i need france, because i need to prove my independance to myself.i need to prove i can survive without people, all the time. it really has to be done, despite my now reluctance to, and despite my wanting for someone to come with me. i am so frusturated with myself i need to talk this over.
too bad someone already wrote the book on bullshitting. is it bullshit? have i made up this world? and i schizo? soemtiems i think i mgiht be and no one wants to tell me. i dont think i can sleep with these thoughts, tonite.

i will not give this any thought. none, i swear. its dangerous and negative and there will be no more negativity on my part in my interactions with other people. perhaps its the mistake from the past i always made, and perhaps it isnt.
i cant help be curious, thats true. sometimes i wish people had thought bubbles you could read. but would i really want to? sometimes oblivion is a truly natural and wonderful thing. i'm just a fan right now, because arms and legs and wrapped up -ness is a noice noice noice feeling.

im a moron, i dont trust..i feel like im losing.. friends? what am i going to do?
dont let yourself get close because you just get tossed eventually. this is a battle and i dont want to fight, it might be worth it but it isnt right.
i'm not as schoolie as them, i feel left out and i dont have anyone else
recount the stories of paranoia when high around them,lack of love and everything.
ughhhhhhhhh i hate myself for this,.,

when it was good, it was wonderful
uahem. i shouldnt deal with any thoughts on my mind right now. so full of thoughts, so full and i need to be emptied, like the garbage can beside me needs to be emptied pretty badly. smelly, but my thoughts are smelly, unless its old roses? old? new?
i shouldnt have any further comments on this matter.

i havent felt that good and warm in ages.

take it back take it back, quick, call in for a return, its quite the lack.
what have i done? what have i thought? where have i gone? everything is switched on. ........... fuck.

where am i headed? lifes, dreams aspirations? i need to make a list. an ongoing list of things i want to achieve someday, things i would like to see, i would like to do, ect.
-live in france
-own a art gallery
-own a restaurent
-work in a second hand bookstore
-have over 1000 records, cds, tapes
-read Utopia, Thomas More
-design an entire line of clothes
-work for a designer( preferable, Chloe, imitation of christ)
-work for a magazine(preferably nylon)
-live in new york city
-perform on an album
-do art for a living
-learn to sculp
-learn to scuba dive properly (again)
-have a darkroom in my own house
-own horses, live on a farm
-write a book
-get book published
-get poetry published in a book
-currate a gallery
-dj
-take salsa dancing
-go to india for yoga for a couple months
-live in morroco for a year and not do anything
-work in piran, slovenia
-work in a castle in slovakia
-learn how to make lace
-throw a succesful dinner party
-have someone really love me
-buy a broken down house in italy, fix it up beautifully all by myself and sell it
-go to ipanema beach in rio de janeiro
-inspire someone else to create something beautiful
-introduce myself as "mrs"(ie. get married)
-raise a child, whether my own or someone else's
-live in london england
-take photographs for a living, get published in magazines
-learn to drive standard



i can't think of anything else right now. but i want this to be everyrunning. i want to come back here often and add to the list, and maybe cross out. i will beat bright eyes and his nothing getting crossed out.

sick sick. i can't get over it, stop thinking about it, let it lay low in the back of my mind, because its festering. its a festering wound already. sometimes, (lie, most of the time) i wish i was someone else, somewhere else. i wish i was happy, i wish i wasnt so neutral, always shifted into neutral. then i go one step forward and 2 steps back.
i wont be loved, this is all unhawly.
i love the velvet underground. it reminds me of so much, so much of ME. of no one else but ME. this is something that i am selfish about, because when i think of myself, i think of that band, white light white heat. i am THEM, they are ME. FUCK YOU if you think im a moron, but everything reminds me of someone else except them. lou reed is mine, mine mine mine mine. those songs are mine, they are 9th 10th 11th 12th grade. they came before the boys did, they will stay longer than the boys did.
i'm fucking glad that banana is on my ass, fucking glad. no one can take this from me. i refuse to share it with anyone ever. i will NOT lose the velvet underground like i lost so many bands before. and even though i rarely listen to them nowdays because of so much other music, but whenever i do, it sounds as good as the first time.
MINE.

CONCENTRATE ON THE DREAM NATALIA
chloe sevigny, art galleries, new york london paris madrid prague morroco
parties, boys, cigarrettes, liquor liquor liquor better than ever
dont you dare even think never.
FUCK MANG. i cant get attached to anything right now, or i'll never leave, never disapear.

crazy?
crazy? yes maby
how can i do this?
i said i wouldnt. i said i wouldnt go through this again, in my brain i said it to myself, several times over and over again.
WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING AND THINKING AND MOTIONING TO??
hurt, pain, no anesthesia, i am following in footsteps i already stepped in.
i need a good slap, that i already got an ignored.

everyone perceives everyone differently, which is hopefuly and optimistic that maybe one day someone will find the whole of me beautiful, every inch of my body and soul and mind, and they will think of it all as one, not seperate entities, not forms of beautiful creation, but a complete oneness that is me and only me none alike or akin.
maybe we'll get married or maybe things won't work out, but i would like to meet someone one day who sees me like that, differently from everyone else but far above everything else they have ever seen.

"Rose hip November - autumn I’ll remember
Gold landing at our door, catch one leaf and fortune will surround you evermore
Pine tree very tall, waiting for snow to fall
Mist hangs very still, caught by dawn in castle moats around the sleeping hill
Now a pipe is heard happy is the shepherd
shepherdess and dog, father of the pastureland and mother of the flock
Rosehip November - autumn I’ll rememberGold landing at our door, catch one Leif and fortune will surround you
Evermore
evermore
evermore"

its wierd what is reminded, and what if founded in thoughts that come uniquely at nightime, late and strong and feeling long in the face its a true disgrace
can you regret what never was can you regret feelings changed can you regret that face so strange?

i'd like to see those bruises on my hips
again
from the time
we grinded
and kissed.
lovely brown yellow blue
eyes so bright i cant see your face when i kiss you
open eyed wonder smiled
in a desert far away forest of green lush grass surrounded skirt up
up away
down on my hips
dont you dare stray.

toute est seche dans mon monde, sans raison, sans habitants, sans aucune justification
french makes my heart break seem better, more worth it. its pathetic but true. french men are the way to go. la soup au oignon is needed, as is a french affair in the sud ouest cartier de paris. preferably a banker, that i dont find too attractive but that worships me, especially in bed.
je me sent comme j'ai auncune valeur a personne, et que je vie simplement pour que je respire. c'est sans doutes et sans raison. je suis le poisson, dans le desert, un millier de kilometre d'une ocean vif et actif.

fuck

i miss everything
that was and how it used to be
and i swore that i wouldnt bother me, i wouldnt let it. and ive tried, ive tried SO HARD to just let it fuck right off but i can because im me
and im that over emotional over thinking, just over everything. i wish i was a normal likable person, i wish i was special. so fucking special.
and whats the worth?
i need to disillusion myself, i need to run away, from my brain, for a day.

i dont think i can handle this guilt.
nope im going to snap, very soon, very soonish.

i despise feeling left out of things. i hate not feeling surrounded, and yet i hate the feeling of being smothered.
i need to make up my mind, about everything.

i miss home

i miss home, especially in the fall, when the weather turns a bit colder, and you can smell the chimeny smoke when walking late at night. i miss going to the cemetary and lighting candles, helping burn leaves and staring at the night sky. there is nothing crisper than the night sky in autumn in sokolovce.

fuck people who dont like spin magazine. fuck people who dont like post punk. fuck people who only like punk. fuck people who think their better than other people. fuck people.
motherfuckin fuckers fucking.
i quit. i need a cigarette.

who is the lucky bastard that gets a job as a travel writer?!
sometimes i think i should have just gone into journalism, like i planned to for 3847645 years ago and up until the moment when i was supposed to check off on my application wether i wanted regular FYP or journalism FYP. though i completly doubt my abilities as a writer, i doubt my abilities as an artist too, massivly, and i want to go to art school. i sort of tend to forget that school is for learning, they teach you to do things there.
i am avoiding my oedipus essay, still. currently the word count is at 756. not nearly enough but i know i will get it done. and i think i will probably get a "c" again. 30 bucks on it that that will be my average mark for the year, because i truly dont know how to edit my own essays to make them better.
so i sit here and watch the telly, the marvalous rudy maxa smart travels in europe. i just ventured to belgium and now im in barcelona. glorious, i love forgetting about life. i love people who make me forget about life. i love dreams because i know they arent real and when i wake up, i wont have to deal with it anymore.. unless i have those fantastic dreams about people who i actually know and that depic situations that i want to ignore. it happens more often than not.
i have to shoot a roll of film by tuesday. i have to then develope it and print it. it sounds so wonderful to be able to actually do it. ive never been proud of myself before, but fuck, that makes me proud. everything else i always dismiss because any time i try to do anything well, i end up being disapointed by the result and anything i dont try on, im surprised at my success.. or well "success". with photography, i actually did those pictures, developped the negatives and then printed them, all by myself and it was the first time i looked at something i had made and was excited it by it. and that excitement hasnt died really, like it usually does with art that feels good at first, and then i look at van goghs and i look at caravaggio's and so on and i feel miserable because i not only dont posses their skill, i also dont possess their eye. i guess i havent found my medium yet, nor have i found what i really excell at in art. being mediocre is depressing.
its also very depressing to like someone very much who isnt around and who likes someone else just as much as they do you, and well, honestly speaking probably more. and completly honestly, i havent felt like that about anyone for a while, for a long long while, because it wasnt just that i went along with someone liking me and it goes deeper than just attraction. ]
not that it would ever work out because its too complicated and wierd and sometimes i wish i just had friends and not .. well affairs?. and that i was asexual. and that i had orange juice with pulp, EXTRA pulp left. and that i had made curry so that i could have a delicious and excellent lunch. and that i was anywhere but at kings. and that making the descision wether to move to montreal or not.. because i am still drawn to that. drawn to the plateau, and living there and working there and going to university there.
i just want everything so i will end up with nothing.
gaaaaack.

its funny how the tiniest things can infuriate me to the point of not caring about people, and yet someone can do some massivly hugely against me thats terrible, i dont give a shit. this provokes utter confusion on my part of course.
what am i even saying?
but it was my thing first, and dont pick it as yours. i liked you better when we were different, not when it was all the same.
i dont like feeling pressure or bad energy from people.
and i hate it when people are nice to me, yet i dont feel like they are really nice
NOICE.
yeah thats right.
basically theres one person i can stand in the world right now. at this moment. and i think shes mackin on some boy with curly hair at her sex pad:)

i'm glad that i got something from plato, the fucking complicated bastard. sometimes people tell you that things will be good for you, so you go along with it. its good for a little while, but truly your not happpy. sometimes things are good for you, and although they can make you a little miserable sometimes, usually in the future. but it makes you happy and as ridiculous as this all sounds.. well im not making sense. but ive decided to only do what makes me happy, or DO whoever makes me happy... oh shiet mang.
on other notes, well there are none.
theres only so much time you can spend thinking and unfortunetly, msn before bed put too many thoughts in my head.

you can have it any way you want as long as you get what you need from it

my dad threatens to kick me out if i dont smile and act cheerful. i apparently ask for money all the time, because you know, the fact that i go to university is asking for a lot of money. its personal enjoyement really, i mean, FUCK if i was going to nscad, okay, it might be a bit personal. but im going to kings, and i went to kings not because i wanted to go to kings anymore but because i thought that was what i was SUPPOSED to do. this is making less sense to me than this fucking kings paper. who quotes something at you and tells you to discuss it for 1600 words? WHAT THE FUCK.
the only parts i enjoy are the parts where they show us the pretty paintings, by caravaggio today. that was awesome. i enjoyed that a lot. i enjoy my photography course a lot. that magnificent, and exciting and i cant wait to take pictures, and develope them. i want to take it next semester again, if i can. and another course. i cant get enough of nscad courses. THATS learning and thats soemthing that stimulates my glands.
i am sick of everything and everything is frusturating me and everything is frusturating.
i planned out my life in such a way that i could never hope to achieve.
i used to love ancient egyptians till i had to compare their various texts that make little sense nowadays.
AHHH THE GLOOM. the gloom the gloom. i like the word gloom, i wish i was a poetry major, i cant wait till we start modern works, that maybe i might understand. im determined to kill the paper on the waste lands, t.s elliot.
fuck ya'll, seriously.