being positive is hard
i miss jill, i really do, moreso than i thought i did. coffee dates and blabbering on to her endlessly about boyzzz is amazing, because she is cheer up extreme. we listen to all the old songs and laugh and hug. as much as i love new friends i LOVE LOVE new friends, but old friends, well. jilli has always been there for me and always will, no matter what i end up doing. she is such a pretty bird and i am a big wuss and i love her a lot.i'm closer with other people now, but she is a star, so many comfortable nights, so many YEARS! reminiscent tonite, about everything. where did high school go? i've changed and yet not at all.
positivity. the good things that come along with change, the excitement, the butterflies in my stomach constant. but i look at the future and what i want, and its so simple, and i really want to strive towards goals. eventual goals, but goals. i dont need to map it out step by step, but reach it naturally, like i know i will. its just all eventual and you have to take your time with it all. i want comforts, with people, with my surroundings, with my career, yes i want a career. i dont want too much focus on it, but i want it there. i want a simple life, despite all my dreams of travelling and jetting and supermodeling, parties, runways, art exhibits, photos, writting, i just really want to wake up spooning someone i love and be warm. flying is cold, where is home? i really dont know where i will settle, but settling is going to be there. i want a true life, well rounded in everyway. i want friends, old friends, friends to keep in touch with. i worry about some people, i dont about others, and maybe the ones who i think i will lose touch with i wont. and the ones i think will be around forever wont be. how do you live with that? i want to appreciate everyone fully and expirience everyone to their best and worst. im terribly terribly loyal.anyone could do anything to me, use me, abuse me, and i would still come through for them. its a fault and yet a genuine quality that i think people can appreciate. it gives nothing to me, but yet it does. i've been reflecting on my character a lot lately, moreso than usual. a psychiatrist appointment is needed so i made one today, on my own, without my mum pressuring me into it as usual. i have plans for next year, i'm trying to map it out in my mind, but i need some exterior advice from someone who doesnt know me and yet probably knows me the best. not very many people take the time to get to know me. jill has. thats why those friends are so important because you cant forget about those crucial strange years, those emails that she sent me when she knew i didnt want to talk yet, but just to let me know she was there. i would do anything for her, even if it meant sacrificing my happiness, because i know she would do the same. i could never live with her, but at the same time, i feel like i could handle it. i wont, but i would. i would love a vacation with jill everyear.
i remember the simplicity of her cottage this summer, that weekend was probably the best of summer.. well that and the stones. unfortunetly the one person involved in both is no longer involved, doesnt care, doesnt know, i dont know. and i wish i could talk but im scared to because im scared it might mess it up even more. i need to see people in person, always. msn has been freaking me out lately. phones freak me out. its only in person that you can see that person, and really feel them there,. feel their body heat and know, you just know sometimes.
i wanted so desperatly to leave halifax and now i dont think i ever will. i hope i get out at least to visit the rest of the world, and often enough, but this is home, despite my constant denial of it. i could never leave behind whats here, and how much of my heart wanderes the streets and the parks, the stores, everything. its gotten so big lately to me and i want it to be all mine.
is this feeling just right now? is it just because of whats gone on lately? do i belong here? what about montreal? culture, art, coffee good stores good shoes nice hair? where did that go? i worry about myself and the effect other people have on me. what happens when and if and but?
i dont want to think about those things. i know myself too well. i need france, because i need to prove my independance to myself.i need to prove i can survive without people, all the time. it really has to be done, despite my now reluctance to, and despite my wanting for someone to come with me. i am so frusturated with myself i need to talk this over.
too bad someone already wrote the book on bullshitting. is it bullshit? have i made up this world? and i schizo? soemtiems i think i mgiht be and no one wants to tell me. i dont think i can sleep with these thoughts, tonite.