IM JEALOUS JEALOUS JEALOUS JEALOUS JEALOUS JEALOUS JEALOUS
what has even happened to me? I went from not wanting anything, to wanting a little bit, to wanting everything. this is how it works, I should know better.

Os Mutantes still reminds me of last spring, maybe always will? when people were still normal, there was high school and we tanned on the grass whilst skipping class like mad!
good times
so is cuddling, uhhhh infinite cuddling would be lovelyyyyyy

People meet again, these aren;t coincidences. I will be haunted forever by those eyes and that face that I saw every night in my mind. I'd love to run into you again and brag consistantly about my life, how much I love everyone and how I am where I've always wanted to be and i would wonder if you would sit back and see how miserable i've still been and how hard i've fought to get there and keep it all close. i wonder if you would see through my smiling, my laughing, cheering, pushing, hugging, kissing and all of that because admitedly, nothing has been real since you knew me, its been fantasy and so distant from reality except a couple moments when i caught my breath and remembered that the air tastes sharp and exquisit. Like moments where you dive into the ocean thinking it will be warm and your lungs struggle to breath.. i've forgotten that feeling and i think you would know that just by looking at me
or was i lying to myself and to you and was there never anything? was it just a teenage dream that i explored too deeply on nights where i couldnt sleep. but at the end of the day i know you would hug me the way you used to and though i couldnt feel it anymore the way i used to it would be like old friends, because we are old stars together and its not like either of us would forget ever. I wasnt your first love but we fought to keep things together and yet it wasnt meant to be and in the end we accepted that and moved on. we had both grown so much, or you had and i had so little. i was just trying to impress you that summer you know, just trying to prove to you and myself that I could do it without you, that i wasnt going to depend on when you felt like calling me. but you scared me that summer with the way you were, and your sunglasses were wierd, and your music was wierd and i didnt understand anymore and i didnt think i could live without understanding.
i always hope your happy, becuase you deserve it more than most people i know. you were just as immature as me in the sense of not writting me back after i tried to make things normal again; dont you see that we wont be able to meet our friends without immidietly wondering about each other? i dont know what that means, im too different to love you today, i've met too many people since then. you wouldnt be able to make me starry eyed anymore and you know i always sought after the stars.
I wonder if you would expect this of me, and what you would think I would be like today if we ever met on the street again. chances are my eyes would pass over you and not notice because you arent so startling to me anymore, not even in my memories; those memories i thought would never simmer down, they were always boiling in my mind, scalding me each time i approached them.
please dont forget me as the girl who wore red tights and who loved to see you. i was so scared then, so terrified and little. my eyes were so big and full of colour and so were my cheeks. that drunken first night is still one of my fondest memories and you always will be. :)

Crushes on people dont go away. I see your face and I shuffle my feet and lose my voice, you're like a bad flu really. Especially when I dont expect it.
Curt tones and nods, same thing happening every day. I'm going to jump over some fences tomorow morning, smoke a bunch of cigarettes and laugh at every joke I hear.
I need some new blooooood in my life, a new vision, new paths to follow, new stores to rummage through, infinite possibility!
It really is going to have to be OCAD or Concordia in 2 years despite the breaking of heart that will ensue from leaving here, and things like the regular bars, running into people everyday, dio mio, and the dates. the daily smiles I receive. I need enrichment of expirience, I cant deal with this same thing. Next year will make me or break me. I dont care about the people, people can be met, I'm a complete hermit anyhow and I;m happier with my watercolours and magazines, although human company and touch is craved
especially touch. I cant get myself to that point and I cant think about it too often because then I wont do anything but stay here. NSCAD would be wonderful but..once again, the same people always.I want to steal away every chance I get, like bob seger, practice my night moves. Is it lame I'm looking forward to shopping and movies and supper friday night with pretty little skinny boyzzz? Because I truly am. REALLY TRULY HONESTLY MADLY.

it still makes me sick to listen to music that reminds me of england, weak become heroes, and of course,richard ashcroft, the verve, etc.
looking at pictures of london makes me feel squeamish.

i giggle a lot, I hug you tighter, because right now, at this second, this are ok. everyone is alive. everyone is within my reach. everyone knows i love them a lot.
everyone and me and everyone we know. tomorow, maybe not so good. maybe not so hot. but right now, everyone is alive.
i've never gotten such an awful fright. it still makes me shiver and makes my teeth chatter to think about it, i get lightheaded and my eyes well up pretty badly.
i havent come that close to losing someone before.

from inside, the glow
lost of former woe
golden bright
golden nights
everytime you kiss me goodbye
immaculate gold silver brown trees
the winter is melting away into
sunshine
glowing.



:)

tattoo numéro cinq will be "le petit prince" either him, or un mouton. :)

and this is?
it's happened once again. life is strange and i never know what to expect, what understanding of it i should have.
i dont even know what im talking about. although YR A Q-T which is nice :)