I've never wanted winter to never end. I've never had a desire to see everything frozen and cold and dead. this year i am alive and happy and full of a body warmth that glows.
i feel like the white witch of narnia and i feel like calling upon all possible powers to forget the end of winter but have it continue forever. i just want to keep you forever beside me and not have you run off into the world to live your life. i just want to be selfish and pout and cry until you say you'll come back for me next year and take me away. and that wou'll come back this summer and that you'll come visit me next year, thats all i want. its not a lot. i just want you to love me like theres no point in existing without me, even though there is. i have to let you know, and its so painful to know
and to believe that for once, i am doing the right thing, and its you.

there is a stillness to chance, there is a stillness in me when i think about whats coming in a few months.
ive had a lover, a real lover, something i always wanted. now i want more, i want that lover to love me, so much that i will see him in 2 years and it was all fall into place, ad. hoc.
maybe I am just tired and settling for less than the sky can offer me, but i am humble, and happier than i've ever been, to be with someone. i wait for phone call at night and i am reached by tin can telephones that stretch far.
I wish i could just have you forever and the night following that, because i feel ok, and i am not scared, i am patient and kind.and i feel like there is purple horses galloping around my mind.
my creativity is shot, but i think i would give it up today. sometimes i just want to open my eyes wide and have you understand the beats of colour that you see mingling.
i want to run around the world, i want to LISTEN LISTENING IS NICE. for once i dont feel its necessary to babble incessantly about things that have no concern to you, i just like to listen quietly. i like to fall asleep, i like to feel you behind me. i feel like its okay to get sappy, to feel happy and full of sap, like a maple tree sprouting sugar in early spring, late winter.

lovers heartbreak

some nights things sink in
- i am officially going to go live in france for a year. well 10 months, but its good and plenty and maybe i'll finally get the french thing out of my system and think about something else. that or i'll get married there.
- me and drew are completly different people. sometimes i think that this is for the best and other nights i wander home alone because he wants to hang out with people. boring people. people who cant further my career. i think. new blood is nice but honestly, i dont have the time to pretend to be friends with people seeing as i dont have the time to like my actual friends.

on cold nights i find myself without tissues and just blow my nose into my sleeve
everything is feeling sharp and the cold weather is like stepping on pine needles, well not at all because my nose clogs up and I cant remember the delicious smell
when i was 3 and lived in Kirbger austria, i climbed a tall pine tree one day and couldnt get back down because i was scared. i am still sitting on the top of the strong branches glancing down and pitying my ankles that will forever break my fall.
I dont have time, and i suppose i strongly resent those who have enough time to indulge in thoughts of themselves because selfless poets and writers are bad poets and writers.

queen clovis
buried in a tomb in paris
laying on a marble slab
in st denis
she doesnt move still as can be

Today I got spicy sushi on delivery from someone who is so dependable yet I can see disapearing from my life quickly and quietly.
sometimes though only, sometimes I feel like he will be the one leaving a trail across continents.
darling, please dont use breadcrumbs because they will be eaten by the birds,
dont leave diamonds because someone else may snatch them up quickly.
rather use piles of leaves from every season., because they are always easily replaced.

this is a week of mild weather, I am hopeful of spirits being boosted because spring and then summer are around the corner. January is a dead month, and I feel liker perhaps since Ive always had a negative attitude about it, it will be a month filled with negativity.
he fills me with promises and manages to keep them all. I chant " I am not worthy" and walk with my head down, and I am consistently surprised at his demeanor in regards to mine. he is like a bloodhound, he is a sport dog, always there, while I am just a flighty bird. Oftentimes I play dead and allow him to take my gently in his mouth, as to not crush my bones, and I'll rest in one spot, but only for a minute before I fly away. I am cunning and he takes it as my wit, I am dark and he makes me smile so that you can see the blood stains of the last person i sucked out.
I am wrapped in my mist, or I try to be. REally its just a pathetically rented smoke machine but I ned it for undercover protection. I often feel like people are following me. I carry around many mental disorders and their definitions loom behind me, as do the shadows of sylvia plath and virgina woolf. I am tired of holding up, and really nothing bad is happening,
I am making an approximation, I should really begin to write fiction. It seems to better withstand my interest than my charming life that so many people say is more interesting than theirs. They are wrong, I start with a blank slate and I end with a blank page.

oftentimes I hear voices talking to me, ghosts of the past and they say
"now why must you be so strange?"
"why must you be so insistent?"
I have strange habits of walking and counting, stepping and dancing to tuns that are not playing in my ear.
and I pronounce bagel baaaghel and not beigel and pasta paasta and not peysta. I feel like I am surrounded by idiots, i feel surrounded by people who i have no interest in whatsover.
i wonder about underground metros because i love a good metro and i miss the orange tiles, the strange lean on seats, the strangeness that is paris and that I am such a willing participant in.

well, hello 2008, new year
last year new years was pretty wonderful and i dont know if it will ever compare again to that, exhilarating feeling
a bottle of champagne later and i feel dizzy with everything and not just because of the hangover.