prancing all over the globe in a good(pretty) pair of shoes
I guess this summer i could potentially hit munich,salzburg,vienna,blava,piestany,budapest, and maybe a few days in slovenia, on the beach) and then run back to munich
Or i could fuck it all and go all out and well, go to paris.

France Gall, Charlotte G, Francoise H, you are singing to me in the most beautiful language
Metro maps are breaking my heart, street names, metro stops, filled up garbage cans of unrealistic hopes
sometimes I do think that love will tear us apart, but rather it will put us together, because I finally understand so much of it all, all those cigarettes a few months ago-BECAUSE IT IS ALL ABOUT THE AESTHETIC-dont bother to question my desire to return to where I felt uglier, because I felt like it was slowly making me more beautiful

but there is something to say about laying with my chin on someones shoulder, those kisses i wont feel anywheres else, and who knew sex could feel so intimate-I'm not just chasing after orgasms, I'm chasing after feeling like I was completly at peace, with love, and with our minds, something magical, so here is to loving,because I do need you in my life!

this christmas I am grateful-not just because I received things of aesthetic beauty but because theres more to it than that and I cant even be bothered to explain it, but gifts are beautiful.

I must be happy, I must be happy
there is something about you that makes me cry, which in itself is important-I cry easily, I'll admit that but not about people, usually other things. You make me happy, so very happy, but only when I'm with you. the root of the problem here is laying in the distance that I have to cross, the time that shapes us when were not together
we lasted all those long months this summer, this cant be it, i dont want to give up, i love you too much

 
I JUST NEED SOME LOVINNNNNN 

I guess every season passes down and then the leaves fall and people's feelings change, you cant expect them not to
this will have something positive to show me in a few months, I know that
but I miss you already, and I dont even want anything more
its stranger, what we've stored, inside my mind you wont see
and i did want you to, we get older, I get older this week and its funny to imagine
that you wont be there loving me
you wont
maybe you never were but I felt your heat no matter what
maybe i ruined it, i feel like i did
tumbling into ruins, one day I'll be King Tut, examining my ruins, because its so fascinating i guess

ongoing agony
eatinf mdo's inside of me
I cant taste what I see
no longer part of my memory


sometimes i write really shitty poetry, sometimes really shitty prose, but words make it more real and understandable and bring it forth while I try to deny it all the time

concentrate concentrate

I want some
-records-new order!
-film- B&W, and colour, slide film too! Polaroid film!
-clothes-shirt, dress, pants, jeans, noice sweater
-shoes, boots- flats, flat boots.
-paintbrushes, canvas, watercolour paper, acrylics!-

when your friends say ""
what game will you play-
or will they even be around
to say nay?

I worry because you're 2 minutes from me and I'm 2 million miles away from your thoughts
too you bad aren't in love and I have to lie to myself tonight and pretend I'm not either.
you'll get bored of me
I dont admire you enough
but I dont know how to deal with this iminent end, are we just putting it off briefly?
its like cracking my bones, knowing I'll get athritis, but it feels so good for now, the damadge might be worth it ( I know it never is)
I admit I dream of this summer again, without anything holding me back from being SURREAL.
you seem to forget about me all the time, whilst your on my mind all the time-that isn't fair to the other regions of my body because they have decreased mental stability. you forget about my cuts, and colds, while I always know every injury.
you dont care how I'm doing, what I'm doing, whats new, never, because you just forget
you're working on my birthday, you forgot, you didn;t bother to get it off.
I dont know what to do anymore.

one colored
my eyes see black
I'll never be warm again and you dont even comfort me as much as I would like you too
I always end up feeling shitty about you,too bad you make me feel so good too.

sun shinning at versaille, skinny jeans, it was horribly hot and the sweat was getting to me, making my back itch.
too bad those jeans fell apart, just like everything else
my jealousy will one day eat my soul rotten and black, moldy from everything that surrounds me, all those tears that I always regret, I always regret being sad because I find its not worth the worries
its so windy today that I found I couldnt breath on my vespa.
its nice to be in love and dream, and nice to fall in love all the time
I'm daydreaming, I'm creating, i'm trying to exhude everything I can out of myself so that I dont go rotten inside because who knows what will happen in life, and sometimes that seems to be the one reason out of suicide
suiciiiiiiiiide, in my side, in my brain, its my ways, the days long waves, that i dont own, my hair is straight, and life is flat, as flat as the one coloured grey sky.

stop stop stop

there is mass hysteria brewing on my horizons because how can you be home and not have wet noses sticking in your ears-remember when you used to wake me up every single morning with that baby boy?remember when you used to crowd my bed, because you were my first sleeping companion and the best, despite all our bad dreams
this will be one of the hardest thing I ever have to do and I'm not giving up on you and I hope your spirit, youre beautiful spirit, will transcend itself into something earthly I can see and love every single day.
save me from tonight, from this week, I dont want to hear about seeing you again one day I want to see you now and always.always always always always always always always

icky icky little sticky
bones and post it notes
the little cute ones I stick on my tongue
wrap me round and break them through my neck
you're ripping me apart like every poem i've written, sang or dreamed
because I forget all the words but you are magical to me
and wont you sing and dance for me, with me, to me, to me always to me

I cant-wont- do this
i cant-wont keep it off my mind out of my brain in my teeth, i'll go insane
insane insane insane insane insane
why did I come back to be subjected to this feeling again, of not knowing, of confusion, of uncertainty of bullshit of lies evil hopes bad feeling stuttering words not answering me not answering me not answering me
this is over
c'est la fin et c'est presque pas meme commence, mais vraiment, putain, c'est un peu chiant.

I've invited myself into the real word
I can touch my roots better than most trees can feel them
and for once I do, I do before you
because the christmas trees make everything sparkle
because my eyes are muddled from the tears
because I dig you, my cousin.
Never again will I feel landlocked and friendless
guiltess though I can forsee
I'll observe like the stranger I am
to my motherland of hopes and high moutaines valleys and everything
that is beautiful to me
maybe I'll dig as far as the eye can see
and resurect like Jesus among the sunflower seeds
that have long been sown, early summer
early morn

what is coming this
the only thing surfacing from my body
is tears all the time and I'm drowning in the salt
in my dreams
of all those teens

I have created a fantasy that exceeds the seperation of emotion and real life- I need to start relying on real life.

This is the enchanting side of my life, the perspective is all distorted and all is through the polaroid fuzzy feeling in my stomach like good grandmothers canned peaches in the summer and lots of colour Lomo style picture. That I paint inside my head- but I never want to lose you because all the time I'm around you I cant not be with you. You heighten every sensibility and yet I feel fuzzier, flimsier. Mind bending and sometimes withdrawing, I know, I live in distant lands but I would not fly back with the wild geese, my time has not come.
My time right now is warm and tangled up in the tangible universe, where I can sense and feel everything because usually I cant.
I cant and I wont and I refuse
you are sunlight on my skin.

I suppose I just want to make something of my life and your extraordinairy asshole glances aren't getting my anywhere but speeding tickets.EXTRAORDINAIRY I REALLY LOVE THAT WORD. ITS SUPREME, ITS INTELLIGENT ITS INSURPASABLE BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I WANT TO BE.
CAPITALS ARE FUCKING NECCESSARY AND IM NOT CALLING YOU AND ON ONE SIDE IM REALLY HOPEING YOU NEVER CALL ME AGAIN, THAT I JUST DONT HEAR FROM YOU.
its not like either of us havent pulled that stunt before.

open eyes open aisles
music drifting making smiles
into coldness into depth
no more windows lack of beds
pick up cheeses plenty mold
notice signs of french soldes
pick up more pick up more
I'm no rich lady in a store
pick up cereals pick up books
ignore old ladies dirty looks
shuffle past the preserves
shopping for some decent food
to last few days
mint ice cream
on the warmest days pick up ice tea
stay a while smile at me
ask for papers ask for books
ask for a smile a nicer look
ask for baguettes ask for tradition
ask for millefeuilles fraiser
ice cream flavours do entice flower scoops
eating ice
last days of Paris being poor
no point ever entering the store

This is my skinny in good light. This is me with my shoulder bones sticking out and my shoulder popping up. SKINNY SKINNY.
everything depends on how I perceive myself, how others perceive me because my perception of the world is moreso through a fishtail lense, a colour flash, I dont see it the way others do.
I can't forget being at the port de clignancourt flea market and feeling small next to the antique furniture, next to the louis XIV style furniture.
I'm another girl that has a boyfriend and leads a boring life, truly its not my sort of style, not what I dig. I dig freedom and meeting new people, consistantly who influence me who make me want to push myself to greater things. Its a rotten shame that I cant achieve like my friends do, things like being teachers, students, psychologists, lawyers. they will all have stable nice lives that they love, surrounded by people they love and I will drift along alone, smiling, painting writting, printing pictures of the situations I was in because I'll never remember all of them. I wont remember most of them, buit some of my past wanting to achieve achievements i have achieved so I suppoise the rest of them will follow suite. Whats more important, love? lust? And its funny because they are in opposit places in my brain- I love paris. I love Paddy. I lust after Paris.Paris is both, it is the world where I want to drift and meet and shake around. Maybe IO'm wrong and this everlasting feeling of being bigger and better than north america( the irony almost makes my eyes water, but I dont even think New York is snobby enoguh for me, not elite enough because anyone can be anyone there, not like Paris)
But I have a feeling that I am right, not in a snobby way but because I've seen it and most of them havent.
I talk too seldome and at the same time too much and my thoughts are jumbled with my emotions and they have to be kept seperate in order to make worthy descisions.
because I cant go with my heart, its ripped in two

There are time when I'm inclined to throw myself into vaste fluids of boiling sulpheric water. I cant spell and I cant read, I just make up words and hum as they should be, because I make my own realities instead of following those that are, well real.
When I walk alone I still throw my head back and sometimes I'm inclined to neigh, like childhood games, but this is not childhood and this is not games, this is you walking home alone in Bedford while a street muscian in Paris is playing a tune you can dance to. This is drinking sulpheric.sulferic water.This is days of claiming I missed the fogs, but really who misses pains and headaches and popping pillz.We are all so jaded and in decline here and congratulations are in order to those who escape the neccesity of the fat society. Of north america.
I scratch too much and I sulk despite knowing that I am likely being ridiculous but it feels good to. I twistedly and sickly enjoy it when people dont pay me attention I suppose because I get to sulk and whine whilst doing nothing with my life, nothing at all.
Then it started to rain and instead of feeling blessed( by St.Genevieve and her montaigne in Paris) I felt hurt and sad but like I belonged with it, pouding itself down on the asphalt because this is self torture. I know I can leave.
Masochism for the masses, stay where you are.
And then it started to rain and someone ate my Margot chocolate bar, and my chicken and no one called and no one picked me up.

echoes of pianos drifting in my ears
that are banging at the sound of mozart, bach. I am glad to be here, I am glad I exist in your mind; but do I really and what is this worth to you, what does it mean, does it mean enough, do you even love me?
what does paris mean to me because, theres too many words that come into mind when I think of it, so dear, so kind so vain and so blind to everything else in the world, because fuck, the world leans down to YOU PARIS. you are the brightest, the city of lights, the city of nights, height and good fights.
now fall is coming and Im lonely, no one sees me, no one will, no one will move with me.and is it worth my compromising of my sanity, my intellectual habits, my smoking, my drinking, singing neutral milk hotel?
I have to make this choice that makes me sick and crying because I dont know what I should base it on, my deliverance to other people like I always do( lives of saints) or on my self, my selfish side, the side that battles with me because I breath easier with more pollution? would you do it for me? because if I know you would, if I know your willing to, I;ll go with you, ill stay with you, i will do what you want me to. ill test you out, like I always do and will. I apologize for that today but but but but but
I will clear my throat
I love you but make an effort please.

why am I doing this? I want to see you so badly and yet I want to punish you and make you remember I wont be here and isnt that important to you? isnt that the most important thing to you?
well it isnt and I am now aware of that so I will deal with it. You want to know how? By pushing you away from myself and by leaving. and By spending time with everyone but you. This is childish and I'm crying because I am doing this and I dont care I dont care I dont care I dont care but I dont want to see you because I know that it isnt at the top of your mind so why should it be at mine.

I breath all the time but this time its a bit sharper. its been sharper and has been paining my heart.. I know its only 3 months.. 101 days. A very short little sejour really but I miss everyone and everything already. Everytime that someone mentions tomorows date I feel like my eyes just swell up and I start crying like the little baby I am. Monday is going to be the worst. I feel not at all organized and its driving me insane becuase I've developped complete OCD when it comes to these things.
my emotional heights have been threatened by this trip. my constant state of nerves is driving me wild and the fact that my eye makeup is non existant due to constant tears is not at all pleasing.

My legs get cramped against swings but every bruise is worth it. When else do you forget the rain, the cold, the unhappy, the Paris.
I leave in 11 days and my heart is breaking.
This will not be the same expirience it should have been
I'm utterly terrified about everything and anything. If I fuck it up, I'm royally fucked.
But life is fleeting and the prospect of art history classes and hangingggg with local intellectuals and aritsans is rushing at me.
Its too bad food wont taste as good
I've lost my appetite without you. and even when you are there eating with me, I cant keep track of the food. I keep looking at your face.

I rememeber early in september/october I felt like I was constantly meeting so many people that I didnt have time for my friends.
Its a rotten shame that I dont really have any anymore. I've spent the entire year with elyse who doesn't give a flying fuck about me, jenna who doesn't either, and suddenly there is no one and my life is void of friends....
except people who call me out of politeness to hang out, its a real shame
its nice to see someone who gets excited and hugs you. its nice to see someone that smiles at me and kisses me a lot and cuddles me always.
I still cant stop smiling about it

I cant keep the smile off my face, I rly rly rly can't, no matter how much my fat little cheeks hurt!

early this morning a proposal was made that will hopefully last into the next millenium and beyond that. I want the sky, the trees and the birds, actions speak louder than words
it feels nice to stare at you, I dont feel so ackward and nervous anymore. just soothed, really content, really ok with everything.

at the end of the day, I guess its kind of nice to know that no one will miss you when you're gone, no bad feelings about it. You wont break any hearts and there will be no emotion or crying, its sort of good.
I feel like I have no future, ever. It would be so much easier if I just had heart failure and died.

Maybe I'm just setting myself up for some major heartbreak, some major disapointment. I'm trusting too far and too soon and yet I feel ok by it. My breathing is regular and although my hands are shaking well.. when aren't they? since those days of smoking a lot my hands have been in a constant state of shaking. But I feel like for once things are ok, and things are sort of stable and I feel okay-ed. all the damn time. I need so much reassurance and for once i'm actually getting it AND i dont feel like a fucking idiot asking for it.

I've just been pranging about, taking in the situation
today i was so tired of everything that i wanted to slit my wrists to get out of doing work, french work, french tests, french presentations, everything. i've got school on my mind and its just loads of it and its driving me crazy crazyFUCKIGN CRAZY IM SO SICK OF EVERTTHING!
fckt,=...!!!!!

I cant even contain the goodness of this situation, this is wonderful all warm bodies cuddling dancing kissing limbs entangled hair stroking.
And yet i dont think ive been that sexual with anyone in agessss.
i cant complain, i really cant. i just hope it lasts!

IM JEALOUS JEALOUS JEALOUS JEALOUS JEALOUS JEALOUS JEALOUS
what has even happened to me? I went from not wanting anything, to wanting a little bit, to wanting everything. this is how it works, I should know better.

Os Mutantes still reminds me of last spring, maybe always will? when people were still normal, there was high school and we tanned on the grass whilst skipping class like mad!
good times
so is cuddling, uhhhh infinite cuddling would be lovelyyyyyy

People meet again, these aren;t coincidences. I will be haunted forever by those eyes and that face that I saw every night in my mind. I'd love to run into you again and brag consistantly about my life, how much I love everyone and how I am where I've always wanted to be and i would wonder if you would sit back and see how miserable i've still been and how hard i've fought to get there and keep it all close. i wonder if you would see through my smiling, my laughing, cheering, pushing, hugging, kissing and all of that because admitedly, nothing has been real since you knew me, its been fantasy and so distant from reality except a couple moments when i caught my breath and remembered that the air tastes sharp and exquisit. Like moments where you dive into the ocean thinking it will be warm and your lungs struggle to breath.. i've forgotten that feeling and i think you would know that just by looking at me
or was i lying to myself and to you and was there never anything? was it just a teenage dream that i explored too deeply on nights where i couldnt sleep. but at the end of the day i know you would hug me the way you used to and though i couldnt feel it anymore the way i used to it would be like old friends, because we are old stars together and its not like either of us would forget ever. I wasnt your first love but we fought to keep things together and yet it wasnt meant to be and in the end we accepted that and moved on. we had both grown so much, or you had and i had so little. i was just trying to impress you that summer you know, just trying to prove to you and myself that I could do it without you, that i wasnt going to depend on when you felt like calling me. but you scared me that summer with the way you were, and your sunglasses were wierd, and your music was wierd and i didnt understand anymore and i didnt think i could live without understanding.
i always hope your happy, becuase you deserve it more than most people i know. you were just as immature as me in the sense of not writting me back after i tried to make things normal again; dont you see that we wont be able to meet our friends without immidietly wondering about each other? i dont know what that means, im too different to love you today, i've met too many people since then. you wouldnt be able to make me starry eyed anymore and you know i always sought after the stars.
I wonder if you would expect this of me, and what you would think I would be like today if we ever met on the street again. chances are my eyes would pass over you and not notice because you arent so startling to me anymore, not even in my memories; those memories i thought would never simmer down, they were always boiling in my mind, scalding me each time i approached them.
please dont forget me as the girl who wore red tights and who loved to see you. i was so scared then, so terrified and little. my eyes were so big and full of colour and so were my cheeks. that drunken first night is still one of my fondest memories and you always will be. :)

Crushes on people dont go away. I see your face and I shuffle my feet and lose my voice, you're like a bad flu really. Especially when I dont expect it.
Curt tones and nods, same thing happening every day. I'm going to jump over some fences tomorow morning, smoke a bunch of cigarettes and laugh at every joke I hear.
I need some new blooooood in my life, a new vision, new paths to follow, new stores to rummage through, infinite possibility!
It really is going to have to be OCAD or Concordia in 2 years despite the breaking of heart that will ensue from leaving here, and things like the regular bars, running into people everyday, dio mio, and the dates. the daily smiles I receive. I need enrichment of expirience, I cant deal with this same thing. Next year will make me or break me. I dont care about the people, people can be met, I'm a complete hermit anyhow and I;m happier with my watercolours and magazines, although human company and touch is craved
especially touch. I cant get myself to that point and I cant think about it too often because then I wont do anything but stay here. NSCAD would be wonderful but..once again, the same people always.I want to steal away every chance I get, like bob seger, practice my night moves. Is it lame I'm looking forward to shopping and movies and supper friday night with pretty little skinny boyzzz? Because I truly am. REALLY TRULY HONESTLY MADLY.

it still makes me sick to listen to music that reminds me of england, weak become heroes, and of course,richard ashcroft, the verve, etc.
looking at pictures of london makes me feel squeamish.

i giggle a lot, I hug you tighter, because right now, at this second, this are ok. everyone is alive. everyone is within my reach. everyone knows i love them a lot.
everyone and me and everyone we know. tomorow, maybe not so good. maybe not so hot. but right now, everyone is alive.
i've never gotten such an awful fright. it still makes me shiver and makes my teeth chatter to think about it, i get lightheaded and my eyes well up pretty badly.
i havent come that close to losing someone before.

from inside, the glow
lost of former woe
golden bright
golden nights
everytime you kiss me goodbye
immaculate gold silver brown trees
the winter is melting away into
sunshine
glowing.



:)

tattoo numéro cinq will be "le petit prince" either him, or un mouton. :)

and this is?
it's happened once again. life is strange and i never know what to expect, what understanding of it i should have.
i dont even know what im talking about. although YR A Q-T which is nice :)

Madness and the modern self, linked together infinitly. but what is finite and infinte? infinite thoughts for certain because everything provokes some sort of reaction, some kind of thought process that leads you to discovery.. perhaps soemtimes of a new philosophy?
“Never answer the question, answer the thought the question provokes”
what have i become? sometimes i enjoy the philosophy. i enjoy when i pay attention and mostly when it does provoke something from me, though its usually disaproval and hatred. when i can explain it its lovely and good and cheer and...
what if i miss this in art school? what will i get mad at then? then it will be all my own fault, that i cant make the paintbrush move the way i want it to.. then it will be all of my own doing and i wont be able to place the blame upon anyone else. i hope i am always provoked in thought though. i think i'll need some english courses to go along with those fine arts one. im such a mix of the two that its impossibly to rip one or the other out. now im writting and all i want to do is paint and create art. ill be doing that full time and all i will be doing is writting and reading and composing. poetry is eternal, that never needs anything else. that doesnt need a balance, or composure, that just is itself.

my poor bones are shaking so much, my teeth have been grinded down by my nerves. gold teeth to ensue because i just grind my jaw, clenched, when i walk, when i sleep, when i think, i always think. subconciously of course, i dont realize i do it till the pain gives me awful headaches. a golden smile flashes from those fake teeth, fake bones, because they grind together too. my poor knees my poor hips, they grind and gristle whenever i walk too much and my poor teeth are subject to such torture which cause my brain to clench and despise. my body has so many issues with my brain, i guess it would do it for punishment. i wish they would just start working together instead of so far apart because my mind is always travelling and my body is tired of keeping up with these desperate travels..montreal toronto paris and new york, the places i want to visit this year, the places i want to expirience and drink up so densly that i dont forget them and so that they leave a tattoo behind. maybe they will loosen my teeth and stuff some more marrow into my bones.
i need good health, lots of smoothies and tea. and nothing else. a fast is on the way, a liquid fast for a little while to clear everything out. maybe then they can start to get along, to sleep better.

subways /nutella /clothing book /stores /red websites /cheesecake blizzards /housepainting /fashion television /gang gang dance /huge bathrooms /rosemary mint body lotion /ariel pinks haunted graffiti /psychic ills / NO LOCAL JOKES /THATS IMPOSSIBLE I DONT HAVE ALL THE TAPES /NO REQUESTS /Spedina/ Dupont/ Osgoode/ Green st.patricks station/ OCAD/

TORONTO 2006.

nope, wrong one, again
it sucks how everything seems ok but theres always that one problem that manages to irk you and quells everything in your stomach because with the way you are and well, the way i am it cant be done.

blood stripes down
wraps around
tiniest wrist bones
inside she groans
no idea whats shes done
no idea
no thoughts just pure satisfaction
gun held to her lips
blood races
down puddling in her messy clothes
she waits for someone
to hear all of her woes
lifted up beyond the cloud
or thats how the story in her mind goes

im nervous. nerotic.

i think i fell in love in the bus shelter
i think i fall in love with any boy who puts his arms around me, touches my nose, pulls at my hair and kisses my cheek

i cant lie, it was a nice feeling. very nice really.
music gets my blood flowing, my veins pumping through my legs in constant motion. it hits me that perfect way and i cant help but shake it up
it felt so good to let loose. it felt so good to talk and dance and shout and...touch?
that element of touch is always so perfect.

i want art pumping furiously out of my veins. i have no money to buy supplies, and no supplies at home. i need photo paper. i would like scraps of fabric.
what the fuck am i even doing sitting here on this fucking shithole of a computer when i could be making beautiful valentines day cards upstairs?
i hope montreal and toronto make me burst at the seams with art makeing wanting.

i dont know some people as much as i would like to and some people i know too well
its 5 and its still sunshine and blue skies outside. spring is coming, fast approaching.. well not fast enough and at the same time... THERE ISNT ENOUGH TIME
oh my godddd i need to do and see so much that my brain hurts so much that i feel sick.
poppin' 'em pillzz

i am in tatters even more than my old jeans were
i dont miss those days but i dont look forward to today either
can you create an entirely new life? and how would i go about it?
i forgget i might be killed in france by a psycho who picks me up. in his bathtub he'll slit my neck and they will find me entirely in my own blood. i hope someone takes a picture, because that would be a beautiful picture. even more stunning if my skin was white ash, so pure and gleaming and then the stark red of my blood.
my obsession with blood continues. i study my veins, i look at my bloody kleenex. its the thing that keeps me alive and i forget it. its nothing else but that blood pumping through consistantly. maybe one day i will put a hole in my chest and plug it up with fresh moss.
i want someone to find my neck attractive and my little wrists. i want someone to see me as innocent and unknown and gentle, a little fawn.

my head is pounding so much
if i dont drink, i have nothing to do.
if i dont smoke what will i do with my hands?
theres some things that need to be done despite my throat and be body's willingness to abandon.

my skin will turn into white silk
my smile mysterious mona lisa lovely
alone with my thoughts
complete control once the developping is done. no stress, no surrounding thoughts, just pure exhiliration of image on paper on wall in my mind forever!

my eyeballs are burning and my hands stink of chemicals.

i had a dream that took place in france, on the beach
he was a golden haired blonde that i dont even remember meeting. i was swimming and i crashed into his surfboard because i couldnt handle the wave. he took my hand and put sun lotion on my face and kissed me in the water. he fed me an apple and held my hand and brushes the sand away from my cheek
when the giant wave came he held my hand and didnt let go because he didnt want to lose me. and then when i was leaving i remembered to tell him i would be back in 3 months and he smiled and sunshine was everywhere.
can you fall in love with someone in a day?
ive never seen this boy before. it wasnt someone i knew, someone i wanted, he was brand new and clean and fresh and he took to me, bless his soul!
i love dreamland

i want you to tell me your dreams and your deepest inhibition
like curious lace from antique grandmothers chests
you vary in patterns
but all the same the delicacy is returned.
it eludes me to imagine you with so much loss of colour
and slightly frayed at the sides
can you reconstruct it with a bit of thread,
its been around so long we've forgotten what it looked like laying on the table
with candles and good smells all around
you've soaked in those smells magnificent and soaked in the wine
that was spilt on you so many times
really you are just an ornament from far away
little notice
their minds float astray
but to me you hold the memory of so much
and when i trace my fingers on you i remember clambering down the stairs
to see you underneath that tree
and how shy i was to approach you and stroke your delicate features,
those eyes that bore into mine
but i was too young to appreciate what lay in front of me now
now we are old and we swim in different lakes,
you dont notice me when i walk by
no matter what colour heels im wearing
your wearing a different colour than when you were first made
youve turned into cotton
spun into a comfortable old t shirt
that i can no longer find.

she's lost control again

my mind wanders from vocation to vocation
im in the mood for some new sensation

i just really want to be easy and free with someone. i dont want attachment, definetly not an emotional kind because my declaration of independance has been stated. i'm looking forward to bad weekends. i havent read the NME in so long. text in topshop
i need to get a move on into france. i think i'm flying to england. england. london. calling me consistantly since age 3.
i hear a cry and i;m following it. im standing tall. i can see art everywhere and it inspires me. life is awful and at the same time, i;m feelin it more than everrrr.
i need more materials and for more materials i need more money.
i need photopaper and scrapes of fabric, lots of fabric, possibly some felt, some more markers and more tons and acres of paint. canvas. water colour paper! shiny chocolate bar wrappers. everything! i can see it all coming together and tearing apart.

these grrrlz are my lyfe.4eva

i am constantly running and knocking down hurdles
i remember what it felt like to fly over them, to be the fastest and best and they couldn't keep up and people admired my skill and ease over those hurdles
grade7's problems seem so simple now and yet its the same game of making people like me
and i'm always losing it. i'm always losing them no matter how hard i try to keep them. they are lost and i am odysseus on a long journey home to a person who i dont even know if they love me anymore. except i dont know where home is and i havent got that person to even hope upon.
i just run and jump and hope i dont twist my ankle on the otherside and feel gravel in between my teeth that i grind so angrily while i sleep and walk and ride that pointless bus every fucking day.

i'm feeling sexual and vampy
i just want to go and dance and feel and dance
i want someone to touch my hips

i'm not sure how i feel about poetry anymore, or well my poetry.
anything that jumps out at my i write and then i doubt its validity and wasnt that the point of poetry alltogether in the begining?

my eyes are only as
crooked
as my smile
my thoughts lopside
wayward
because i'll fucking unleash and stab with some forks
for causing forks in my path
3 is a magical number
i'm not choosing an illusion
i'm choosing reality
i'm choosing realism
beyond that divinity
i cant even divide properly
besides of course my path in life
you shredded so nicely
and industrial sized.

love is laughter and huge smiles that arent shy
love is love handles and having them grabbed, usually hatred and in case of love its the touch of the other person so you squeal happily
love is hips creaking together when your crouching down the poop while the other person is in the room

i wonder if i'll ever feel it.

happiness, more or less, its just a change in me
something in my liberty

i dont think anyone gets as many quivers of excitement when they look at london as i do. it feels so damn fucking right, it feels so good to look at those maps, those picutres, to think of it, always. to remember the rush and anticipation the accents, the stores, the museums the people everything around me shinning. it shines through dark days.

what appeals to the senses?
why is it that some people find some feautures of others attractive while others dont?
how is it that everyone has a different perception of beauty?
what makes someone attractive to you?
how is it that music sounds different to different people?
i've got so many questions about life. i might as well be asking why the sky is blue, why my dog pants and why my body smells the way it does.

"Fuck the poets of the past, my friends.
There are no beautiful suicides
just cold corpses with shit in their pants
& the end of the gifts."


beautiful. i wish it was mine

i've had enough of a lonely universe
no one knows me and no one really cares that much
i'd rather be removed from it all, and actually alone, rather than thinking and facing, and only getting shitfaced because i dont feel like facing the knowledge of everyone leaving me

one by one. soldiers standing in a line
car drives me, shoots them
we dont feel no misery, seeing them flee
seeing them scatter away
because in face of bravery we knew
that they would never survive
what we were used to
they would never withstand
a heartbeat of a broken baby home
carriage murder
soldiers are gone.

I'd like to believe in one thing you say to me, would you like to leave? when i try to talk at all, it just turns out to be, turn on the stove, in the little tiny rooms that our friends calls a home, my head fills with heat, from the knife in your hand, to mine
I'd like to understand what you think about, why it seems so bad,its only escape from everything iknow im weak i know that im sad turn on the stove in the little tiny rooms that our friends calls a home, my head fills with heat, from the knife in your hand to my sand.

today i swirled salt into my hair and dreamed about warm salt water and fishies swimming by me, concrete beaches with ice cream stands and real iced coffee.
i dreamed about warm warm that smells salty and scuba diving masks and floating on the sea.
what will i do without the coast some day? i feel the need to pack up and leave. its nice to be able to look oustide and see the ocean, despite its disgusting state. i'm a mermaid with short hair, my eyes are the colour of the sea i live in. the atlantic is so blue grey while the adriatic is so green blue warm. such warm shades.
its pathetic what im doing here, i only feel sexy and good there, and feeling good is the point of life. of life! thats what its supposed to be, all warm winds and soothing waters.
i wouldnt' have eczema if i lived there either. just a brilliant tan, pale hair and bright eyes and lips, long skinnny legs, bathing suits and seashell surprise.

I'm thinking about everything except Teresa of Avila, my topic of essay. Essay de me tuer. I dont even know how its possible to have so much on your mind and yet nothing at all. Figure skating? Cheese? Taking baths in France? Now all I'm scared of France-wise is leaving the airport to get into the city. My stomach starts shivering when I think about it.
Today my mum took out chocolate she had hidden from when my grandmother had sent it over in a brown box tied up with string. Highlight of my week! The warm weather has been adding to my restlesness about everything. I've been getting so much done in terms of responsability. I'm even applying for a Visa card that I wont abuse.
I only work tomorow night and the rest of the week I'm free, including the entire weekend. That hasn't happened in months.

i will find myself in the forest
of lush
trees swaying as easily as my step does
and birds echoing my consistant laughter
at all things that dance with my shakey slides
left and right
this will all be my demise
but a beautiful demise.

tattoos are among the most beautiful things that exist on earth. in a world where nothing lasts, not even love, friendship or family, something being that close to your skin forever is beautiful.
i think i'm going to go make that appointment tomorow. narnian horse or narnian phoenix, they are both love and childhood and meaning which is important to me...
i love tats!

aiiy caramba fuck fuck fucking shit fuck.
i dont go out one night and i feel bad about it WHAT THE FUCK, i can't handle this right now, or ever. i can't handle feeling hated. i can't handle not being #1. i can't handle being #1.
sensation to cease to exist. cessation of existing. existance is ceased. ceasing my existance.
the only resolution i see is leaving, but somehow forgetting to tell all those people that love and care about me.. wait now, awesome! i DO get to leave without any trouble at all!
i am a weary, my life is so dreary, and i dont care how overplayed my motives and my personality is. we all want to be something higher and better, artistic, musical, intelligent, beautiful, fabulous, funny, witty, charming, charistmatic when in truth very few of us are, and the ones that are only hold the title of "good actor/actress"
fuck ya'll.
today is an eclipse and i am supposed to make changes in my life. this change includes me being happy, me chosing to be happy, and me moving forward. i always expect approval from everyone else before doing things and never ask for my own. Hair cutting had nothing and everything to do with that. and hair grows back, but my pride doesnt
this is all insufferable and i dont know what to think or do because if its always going to be like this, i dont know if i can do it. is it better to be alone or with someone?

Alice came to a fork in the road. “Which road do I take?” she asked. “Where do you want to go?” responded the Cheshire cat. “I don’t know,” Alice answered. “Then,” said the cat, “ it doesn’t matter.” Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland



this is everything and yet nothing and completly defines my life right now.

its irrelevant, whether i am here or there and who i am with.
my soul keeps going while my concious mind is destroyed and the lessons learned and hardships mean nothing in the face of a thousand lifetimes. i can't condone what i did, and neither can i predict what i will do, but in the face of reality and the subconciousness, which is the true mind, none of that matters.
there will be an infinite sun always shinning and the souls will live on. the sun is composed of the glow of the happiness of complete souls. nirvana, bliss, ohm, heaven, the words differ in every language yet in the end they come together in one sweet melody. they radiate the light unto the earth that touches other people and thats why the sun makes everyone happy, why its healthy.
this is all bullshit but its a theory that i could accept in the face of the next 2 bleak months. cold weather and wind, snow, rain, and so much ice. my tailbone is cracking, and so is my spine, both metaphorically and physically.
it was a pleasure then and really i can't remember the past two winters, where was i and who was i? it doesnt matter because it wont help me in the long run, and in the longest run. am i any closer to reaching happiness?

over and out
well maybe not out. i hope ackwardness subsizides and maybe is entirely non existant?
LETS HOPE AND SHOUT AND CROSS FINGERS!
i fckng lv ths frvr

we are breaking up. i really think we are
really all i want is things to remain normal, friendly. friendly fucking? possible. uhh very possible. i would like that a lot.
i need some appreciation. i want someone to want to listen to me just talking.
i wonder where the flying fuck this came from.
i love talking so much, i really love talking
infinite sarcasm.

everything is overrated, especially boys.
but you know what isnt? nice boys.
fuck mang. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
i need some existential detectives in my life. and some psychiatry

people only disapoint. you cant always get what you want.
this would be easy to understand if you only knew what you wanted. i miss. i really do
and yet i feel like there isnt anything right to do.

i felt so much love for him and him and her and her.
forever. well maybe not but for now, and now is the moment, now is right NOW and i still do, despite jerks and bad hugs and non hugs and good hugs and tickling and kisses and angry word and wonderful words. fuck man
i'm glad things felt like they used to. i'm glad i was waited for. i'm glad i could dance. i'm glad i shared everything i always share with you.
THROWDOWN! FIRE ISLAND! LESBIAN! SPARKLERS! E! COKE! STOLEN WINE!
fuck yeah. new years was awesome, and owed up as usual : )