stop stop stop

there is mass hysteria brewing on my horizons because how can you be home and not have wet noses sticking in your ears-remember when you used to wake me up every single morning with that baby boy?remember when you used to crowd my bed, because you were my first sleeping companion and the best, despite all our bad dreams
this will be one of the hardest thing I ever have to do and I'm not giving up on you and I hope your spirit, youre beautiful spirit, will transcend itself into something earthly I can see and love every single day.
save me from tonight, from this week, I dont want to hear about seeing you again one day I want to see you now and always.always always always always always always always

icky icky little sticky
bones and post it notes
the little cute ones I stick on my tongue
wrap me round and break them through my neck
you're ripping me apart like every poem i've written, sang or dreamed
because I forget all the words but you are magical to me
and wont you sing and dance for me, with me, to me, to me always to me

I cant-wont- do this
i cant-wont keep it off my mind out of my brain in my teeth, i'll go insane
insane insane insane insane insane
why did I come back to be subjected to this feeling again, of not knowing, of confusion, of uncertainty of bullshit of lies evil hopes bad feeling stuttering words not answering me not answering me not answering me
this is over
c'est la fin et c'est presque pas meme commence, mais vraiment, putain, c'est un peu chiant.

I've invited myself into the real word
I can touch my roots better than most trees can feel them
and for once I do, I do before you
because the christmas trees make everything sparkle
because my eyes are muddled from the tears
because I dig you, my cousin.
Never again will I feel landlocked and friendless
guiltess though I can forsee
I'll observe like the stranger I am
to my motherland of hopes and high moutaines valleys and everything
that is beautiful to me
maybe I'll dig as far as the eye can see
and resurect like Jesus among the sunflower seeds
that have long been sown, early summer
early morn

what is coming this
the only thing surfacing from my body
is tears all the time and I'm drowning in the salt
in my dreams
of all those teens

I have created a fantasy that exceeds the seperation of emotion and real life- I need to start relying on real life.

This is the enchanting side of my life, the perspective is all distorted and all is through the polaroid fuzzy feeling in my stomach like good grandmothers canned peaches in the summer and lots of colour Lomo style picture. That I paint inside my head- but I never want to lose you because all the time I'm around you I cant not be with you. You heighten every sensibility and yet I feel fuzzier, flimsier. Mind bending and sometimes withdrawing, I know, I live in distant lands but I would not fly back with the wild geese, my time has not come.
My time right now is warm and tangled up in the tangible universe, where I can sense and feel everything because usually I cant.
I cant and I wont and I refuse
you are sunlight on my skin.