fights with everyone
Im over everything, or so I say outloud to convince myself of my own coniving tricks
I miss everything about france, I miss meeting new people, I miss cigarettes, and breathing in ocean air, trains, panninis, the water, the air, the people

theres things lacking in my life
theres less rain and less thunder and lightening
I feel oddly unajusted, out of place
France was toutes mes reves familiers
I still have too many dreams, especially at night, mostly during the day
and my thoughts keep wandering away and astray
its like Ive been marionetted through the way I should be acting and thinking
and now that Ive let loose
well,ive let loose
I havent cried in over a month
not even when I arrived to the place that makes me feel content
but a place cannot deliver what your heart desires

where am i headed? lifes, dreams aspirations? i need to make a list. an ongoing list of things i want to achieve someday, things i would like to see, i would like to do, ect.
-live in france
-own a art gallery
-own a restaurent
-work in a second hand bookstore
-have over 1000 records, cds, tapes
-read Utopia, Thomas More
-design an entire line of clothes
-work for a designer( preferable, Chloe, imitation of christ)
-work for a magazine(preferably nylon)
-live in new york city
-perform on an album
-do art for a living
-learn to sculp
-learn to scuba dive properly (again)
-have a darkroom in my own house
-own horses, live on a farm
-write a book
-get book published
-get poetry published in a book
-currate a gallery
-dj
-take salsa dancing
-go to india for yoga for a couple months
-live in morocco for a year and not do anything
-work in piran, slovenia
-work in a castle in slovakia
-learn how to make lace
-throw a succesful dinner party
-have someone really love me
-buy a broken down house in italy, fix it up beautifully all by myself and sell it
-go to ipanema beach in rio de janeiro
-inspire someone else to create something beautiful
-introduce myself as "mrs"(ie. get married)
-raise a child, whether my own or someone else's
-live in london england
-take photographs for a living, get published in magazines
-learn to drive standard

I'll admit that I am missing the southern wind in my life
and my raindrops are creating puddles down by my feet.
I miss you, a lot more than I would ever let on because I am embarassed that my stoicism doesn't fool any of god's heavenly creatures
even that june bug that stared at me from outside the window knew
he could see my heart carved into the back patio, its where I left it last.
I've been trying to formulate new potions to make me say and think what I will but honesty is my best form and my best form is gone
my throat aches my head pains my legs are bringing news of new weather like they always do
and my heart is lost, really I can feel it pounding whenever I think I am playing wheres waldo again
we are making it all E-Z by avoiding being seen among the trees and the tall buildings and the darkened streets.
I'm leaving you know, I know you are aware and what do you think when you think you may never see me again? have you thought about it? I wonder what you think about because when I dont see your face I dont know
I know we were both tired, we both have and had and will have these wrinkles but sometimes a little exfoliation smooths them out
a little time
maybe one day we will meet again

my moon to me
as gone as could be
I look above at night and wish i was below
the ground
6 feet just isnt enough
because of lingering smells and sights
every intoxication of all my senses
just brings you about moon
my darkest mystery, my greatest wish you shall see

there is a part of me
that does not see
the windows closed
the moon away
in its bleakest state
when you dont shine
when I cant see every bump and grind
-that is mine
when I bloom
like a night lily or a dahlia
late night winter lights
maybe it will get brighter if I just keep the curtains open
but I get so scared alone
I keep the music on that plays in my ear
when I cant feel the light on my cheek

did you ever know it makes me feel awful to think about any other girl you've ever dated?
I'm even jealous of all of THEM and the list is long to count
I've only ever lead affairs to remember although most of them I could hardly call not to mention care about and it frightens me to remember that but I dont remember things without you any more
and i get so terribly jealouse that I choke up on my own words, rather my own thoughts because I could never voice those things.
sometimes I wish you hadnt loved so eagerly before, that I was the ONE the first and best and last
not everyone is like me and I have a hard time remembering this.
my skin burns because everything is more enticing, every other situation but I guess I resort to understanding
that you'll never be all that into every inch of me and I'm strange, I know, so contrary
but you're like delicious sugar coated turkish delight in the best flavours to me.