My mum blames the accident on the full moon- 'shit like that happens when theres a full moon'. Last night it was a half and it was so bright and yellow and lazy that I thought it might drop down from the sky and hit me in the head. As if i havent been hit enough lately- my knees are healing but they are not happy and there's craters in my skin. I spend time worrying about scars.
Last night I sat under the great big windows of the church I will be living in. I've got places to write and write I might- I've got plenty of stories to tell. I'm not really living in a church, just a big beautiful loft apartment of my dreams!!
I keep having the strangest dreams, sometimes their nightmares and a lot of the time I'm dreaming about slovakia, I've been dreaming about horses talking to me. Nothing will even be quiet in my dreams.
I think I read too many books over again, I think I read a lot of books too young and sometimes I feel like I got lost in those characters completly.

one day I dream about wearing really high heels echoeing my skinny beautiful legs and to prance over in my perfect beautiful outfit and whisper, in both your ears, "fuck you."
with my luck it'll be at your wedding.
one day I'll get over it and I wont care, true? I feel like I'm obviously circling the wrong answer here, but theres a 50/50 chance then, true? its all been like a card game, or rather a house of cards that falls down everytime I build it up. I have a lot of words in my mind and sentances that form yet I find it difficult to speak, and to explain myself.
Only these mystyfying who what and where give it any broken sense of appeal. And only to the visionaries, true?
false
false
false

I write and remember and I remember and write, constant cyclical patterns that make my nights easier because sometimes my thought bank is too full. And then I dream about being kissed and ignored and kissed and taunted- I feel like a donkey with a carrot in front of its nose to make it run.
I could click click and pretend to forget, but I wont be able to surpress my urge, and since when do I surpress urges? I have the appetite of a overweight school teacher, and not just for food, for knowledge, for eternity.
its easier to cut open my own wounds and treat than to heal the ones that I have. I feel like my summer was perfectly described in one big crash and then i ended up losing the thing I thought was most important, but really in the end, its still just me. I change the way I write my 9's, my Q's all the time, I change everything and yet i am constantly reminded because a part of me is reluctant to let go of memory. I'll have better memory. I;ll remmember more and forget more because I;ll write it down. My dreams will soar out of those church habitat windows that will offer refuge to everything and surrounding folk will occupy my hands and habits.

I get jealous, I am jealous, Im a jealous angry girl. Ive really begun to resent you, I've really come to just not understanding how you do all of this.
it doesnt matter
I've got lust on my side, mostly lust after being in paris and just partying all the damn fucking time. i want to see piles of happiness on tables waiting to be taken, i just want to move around and feel a bass, not feel my heart, but feel body heat.

I hereby will not break my solemn vows to
-keep a straight face when neccessary
-do all my schoolwork. do it well. do it with my entire heart and brain in it.
-watch more french television
-smoke less and smoke more
-smile at people more often, mostly strangers. mostly people who will not strike up a conversation with me
- move to europe again for the summer. what is here? no one and nothing.
-keep my thoughts to myself, keep my heart for myself
-dont do drugs?

i cant think of anything else. I could hardly think to begin with. Everything lately has seemed like such a waste. Im wasting my life. I want to get to the point where I can honestly say "yeah im over that phase now" and I want it soon. I want nothign beautiful to escape my clutches and I want to keep meeting people who provoke positive energy from me.

remember where we used to lay?
under seascaped grass we played
rolling and roaring, touching alas
we found each others lips through moments passed
and i couldnt believe what i could feel
moments of rush running freeing me
like i could never be
alone again
then i found myself undiscovered when i thought it would be over
when i thought it would be forever but alas
we found time had passed and shadows neared
never had they completly disapeared
we never knew what we would find again
the lies and tangles webs of misery
i wrote all those stories
inside my diary
alas alas time is gone
and now all ive got left is one silly song
to sing
now i find myself
missing the undead,
remember where we used to lay?
now we've all been lead astray,
different branches, new romances.
our story is an old fairy tale.
i wrote all those stories
inside my diary
alas alas time is gone
and now all ive got left is one silly song
to sing

I've stopped listening to songs that remind me of him. With every word and every glance, I'm starting to forget why I loved him in the first place. The after hurricane is when you realize what was worth it and what wasnt.. and how much a person really cares.
Now I listen to love songs and fantasize about new seasons, and new smiles, and new things and people that make me smile. I'm glad for the time alone im getting because Im having so much fun so often!! new shit to talk about!! STAYING POSITIVE!!