I suppose I just want to make something of my life and your extraordinairy asshole glances aren't getting my anywhere but speeding tickets.EXTRAORDINAIRY I REALLY LOVE THAT WORD. ITS SUPREME, ITS INTELLIGENT ITS INSURPASABLE BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I WANT TO BE.
CAPITALS ARE FUCKING NECCESSARY AND IM NOT CALLING YOU AND ON ONE SIDE IM REALLY HOPEING YOU NEVER CALL ME AGAIN, THAT I JUST DONT HEAR FROM YOU.
its not like either of us havent pulled that stunt before.

open eyes open aisles
music drifting making smiles
into coldness into depth
no more windows lack of beds
pick up cheeses plenty mold
notice signs of french soldes
pick up more pick up more
I'm no rich lady in a store
pick up cereals pick up books
ignore old ladies dirty looks
shuffle past the preserves
shopping for some decent food
to last few days
mint ice cream
on the warmest days pick up ice tea
stay a while smile at me
ask for papers ask for books
ask for a smile a nicer look
ask for baguettes ask for tradition
ask for millefeuilles fraiser
ice cream flavours do entice flower scoops
eating ice
last days of Paris being poor
no point ever entering the store

This is my skinny in good light. This is me with my shoulder bones sticking out and my shoulder popping up. SKINNY SKINNY.
everything depends on how I perceive myself, how others perceive me because my perception of the world is moreso through a fishtail lense, a colour flash, I dont see it the way others do.
I can't forget being at the port de clignancourt flea market and feeling small next to the antique furniture, next to the louis XIV style furniture.
I'm another girl that has a boyfriend and leads a boring life, truly its not my sort of style, not what I dig. I dig freedom and meeting new people, consistantly who influence me who make me want to push myself to greater things. Its a rotten shame that I cant achieve like my friends do, things like being teachers, students, psychologists, lawyers. they will all have stable nice lives that they love, surrounded by people they love and I will drift along alone, smiling, painting writting, printing pictures of the situations I was in because I'll never remember all of them. I wont remember most of them, buit some of my past wanting to achieve achievements i have achieved so I suppoise the rest of them will follow suite. Whats more important, love? lust? And its funny because they are in opposit places in my brain- I love paris. I love Paddy. I lust after Paris.Paris is both, it is the world where I want to drift and meet and shake around. Maybe IO'm wrong and this everlasting feeling of being bigger and better than north america( the irony almost makes my eyes water, but I dont even think New York is snobby enoguh for me, not elite enough because anyone can be anyone there, not like Paris)
But I have a feeling that I am right, not in a snobby way but because I've seen it and most of them havent.
I talk too seldome and at the same time too much and my thoughts are jumbled with my emotions and they have to be kept seperate in order to make worthy descisions.
because I cant go with my heart, its ripped in two

There are time when I'm inclined to throw myself into vaste fluids of boiling sulpheric water. I cant spell and I cant read, I just make up words and hum as they should be, because I make my own realities instead of following those that are, well real.
When I walk alone I still throw my head back and sometimes I'm inclined to neigh, like childhood games, but this is not childhood and this is not games, this is you walking home alone in Bedford while a street muscian in Paris is playing a tune you can dance to. This is drinking sulpheric.sulferic water.This is days of claiming I missed the fogs, but really who misses pains and headaches and popping pillz.We are all so jaded and in decline here and congratulations are in order to those who escape the neccesity of the fat society. Of north america.
I scratch too much and I sulk despite knowing that I am likely being ridiculous but it feels good to. I twistedly and sickly enjoy it when people dont pay me attention I suppose because I get to sulk and whine whilst doing nothing with my life, nothing at all.
Then it started to rain and instead of feeling blessed( by St.Genevieve and her montaigne in Paris) I felt hurt and sad but like I belonged with it, pouding itself down on the asphalt because this is self torture. I know I can leave.
Masochism for the masses, stay where you are.
And then it started to rain and someone ate my Margot chocolate bar, and my chicken and no one called and no one picked me up.

echoes of pianos drifting in my ears
that are banging at the sound of mozart, bach. I am glad to be here, I am glad I exist in your mind; but do I really and what is this worth to you, what does it mean, does it mean enough, do you even love me?
what does paris mean to me because, theres too many words that come into mind when I think of it, so dear, so kind so vain and so blind to everything else in the world, because fuck, the world leans down to YOU PARIS. you are the brightest, the city of lights, the city of nights, height and good fights.
now fall is coming and Im lonely, no one sees me, no one will, no one will move with me.and is it worth my compromising of my sanity, my intellectual habits, my smoking, my drinking, singing neutral milk hotel?
I have to make this choice that makes me sick and crying because I dont know what I should base it on, my deliverance to other people like I always do( lives of saints) or on my self, my selfish side, the side that battles with me because I breath easier with more pollution? would you do it for me? because if I know you would, if I know your willing to, I;ll go with you, ill stay with you, i will do what you want me to. ill test you out, like I always do and will. I apologize for that today but but but but but
I will clear my throat
I love you but make an effort please.

why am I doing this? I want to see you so badly and yet I want to punish you and make you remember I wont be here and isnt that important to you? isnt that the most important thing to you?
well it isnt and I am now aware of that so I will deal with it. You want to know how? By pushing you away from myself and by leaving. and By spending time with everyone but you. This is childish and I'm crying because I am doing this and I dont care I dont care I dont care I dont care but I dont want to see you because I know that it isnt at the top of your mind so why should it be at mine.

I breath all the time but this time its a bit sharper. its been sharper and has been paining my heart.. I know its only 3 months.. 101 days. A very short little sejour really but I miss everyone and everything already. Everytime that someone mentions tomorows date I feel like my eyes just swell up and I start crying like the little baby I am. Monday is going to be the worst. I feel not at all organized and its driving me insane becuase I've developped complete OCD when it comes to these things.
my emotional heights have been threatened by this trip. my constant state of nerves is driving me wild and the fact that my eye makeup is non existant due to constant tears is not at all pleasing.