well, really i'm a bad person because i'm jealous of everyone else's christmas's and birthdays. i'm a terrible person because my parents gave up so much for me.
not that it wasnt their fault, i was a mistake. a complete error on the parr of the state of communism and lack of errr birth control in slovakia, and eastern europe in general.
i can't help but feel the jealousy of seeing other people's lists of gifts. and the fact that they all get money and stuff from their relatives. jealoussss
it makes me want to go to slovakia, so i can whore more stuff. plus a christmas with everyone, seeing everyone, i suppose it would be kind of nice

there is two parts to me. the part where i can see myself alone in france. sitting in cafes, buying clothes, eating good food, meeting new people, going to clubs, hiking, being at the louvre. the part that is running around in scotland, hitchhiking. the part that is sitting on a train in switzerland taking pictures of cows and goats with bells under their chin. the part that craves bratislava and walking aorund feeling stylish. the part the london calls my heart where oxford street walks to my beat, top shop, busy bustling, the part where the train only pauses, never stops. i am a traveller and i always want more. i always crave the new, i always call another place home. the part that walks through graveyards and gets butterflies in my stomach when i just think of it. pannini in florence, santa maria novella, art galleries, good coffee, amazing ice cream, stockings, pupa in drug stores. the part that craves those new people, that expirience, those photographs.
then theres the part of me that is settling here slowly. sitting and waiting for a house in town, with white sheets, modern furniture, nscad art on my walls, my art on my walls, running into people, biscuit, italian market lunches, the commons, swinging late at night, being easy, smoking weed, drinking wine, feeling love, being cuddled, seeing movies, going to shows. people i know working everywhere, coming everywhere, never being alone when i;m in town, going into town alone and ending up at fair trade coffee shops drinking tea. dances, dancing, feeling comfort in knowing where im going, memorizing bus scheduals, falling asleep on the bus. there is a life here that i have that is so completly different from what i used to want, but for some reason ive grown to love it and crave it. its not just because of him this is me, it has to do with friends too.
maybe i need this. well, i definetly do need this. i;m worried about coming back, whenver i come back from europe, everything is upside down, i have no friends and ym life sucks. in the end it was worth it to lose those friends, but im tired of stripping down. i want to be settled with the people who i know i love now, at this point in my life for the rest of my life. i want them to always be there for me and around me surrounding me.
whats the worth.

frankly i'm terrified of being there alone. i'm terrified of coming back and having absolutly no one and all my plans being ruined, and having no next year cozy house with friends and good food and many blankets. if this relationships lasts that long i am terrified of coming back and being alone, not being cuddled and kissed and hugged.
this is my immidiate life. could france be my future? would it be good? it's really only 3 months, which is a short amount of time.

why am i doing this, this thing, why do i speak?
because maybe its all worth it. worth the unsatisfaction, the nights alone, the cold, the snot filled noses, the long bus rides, lack of intelligence, the drunk, the messy hair, the greasy face
its all worth it sometimes. in a strange way it feels like its going right because its growing and not just a huge overload on me. this is what i wanted. i just want a little more stability, a little more vision, a little more touching, a little bareness and not just the naked body kind. i want more talks, more missing, more kissing, wishing. i want trips

i think i need a trip out. right now i vow to organize this france thing before december 31st. i will apply, i will leave, i will prove to myself i can live independantly and i will come back, things wont be the same. and i wont freak out and regret it, instead i will savour the expirience and love the summer here.

hot cold hot cold
ive got sniffles i'm feelin old
dare you try me, dare you fold
game of poker, you aint got hold

im swaying back and forth. things arent clear. i swoon and i woo and then i crash and i fall and bruises hurt.
everything is complicated when it seems so damn simple.

i cant believe i spent half my night raving about awesome shit when in all honesty, i knew it was bound to be thrown back. i also sent a huge load of bad karma my way. no one deserves to be talked about like that behind their back. no matter who they are or what they have done. its absolute sillyness and stupidity and immaturity on my part.
i wont anymore.

i make too many 11:11 wishes. i ran out of them a couple years back, back when things where still going by my wishes.

i dont think a relationship was a good idea. nope, too many worries questions answeres little talking little vision completly blind deaf and dumb to everything.
it just makes me sad as usual. i wish i wasnt so filled with sadness and negative emotion, i need someone to love me. and i mean reaally love me. i want someone to care about me, not just date me, see me, makeout with me. i want them to mean it. him. him really. and i just doubt and trust and give nothing bad but bad energy. i dont deserve a relationship really but here i am in one, apparently, and can i even handle the negative?
this is what i got myself into and i dont even want to pull myself out of it. no one deserves my bad emotions and my constant untrusting wierd state of mind. and for that i will be posi, posi as possible. i will smile, not crym unless im in my bathtub by myself. for that i will change, its worth it to me.